Friday, September 11, 2009

New Beginnings

So, I started work in the pharmacy this week. It scared the crap outta me to say the least! I was so afraid of making a mistake or doing something completely wrong. However, I can say that I am grateful for technology that helps keep nasty mistakes from happening and the wonderful people who are working to train me to help keep me on my toes when the machines don't catch what mistakes I do make. It was also exhilarating! I am, indirectly, making a difference in people's lives to help them get healthy and stay healthy. Yesterday, I saw someone pick up a prescription that I had filled. She had thanks in her eyes knowing that her child was going to get well from the medicine. That was just neat to watch. I made a difference. The training is going well, even if my anxieties are high. It's hard to start a completely new profession, but I think I will be good at it, especially once I can get over the jitters.

This has caused me to think about other things lately, however. Things I need to let go of in order to move on. I don't want to admit it to myself, but I am still angry at some who have caused me to walk the path I am walking now. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would become a pharmacy technician when I was growing up. I always thought I would be a teacher. I do think this is for the best now, but I still find myself wanting to hold a grudge against those who made my path hard along the way. I need to forgive them and to be forgiven for those grudges. Some are fresher than others. Unfortunately, it's all made a little worse with my disorder because that guilt comes with anxiety and that anxiety comes with it's own physical consequences. I know it's private confession and absolution I need, but I am even scared to do that and not just because I will be confessing this grudge to another person, but because part of my fears stem from the trust needed to confess. It's not that I don't trust my father confessor- he's amazing! But I do feel that every time I trust a pastor outside of my own family, they let me down in some way. I know I need to get over that, too, but it's hard. Pray for me as I work through this. Trust is a tough path...