Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the stuff I can do to help myself in the event of a medical emergency. Now, before you think that I am about to go off the deep end, I am not obsessing over something horrible that might happen to me, but I am thinking about the people I interact with every day. I have heard more stories about people who have had different drug interactions and allergies that have popped up that have sent them to the emergency room since I started working in the pharmacy. I do have a couple of allergies that should be documented and kept on my person just in case something goes wrong, but that's not where my thoughts ended. I started thinking about whether or not I should wear some documentation that I have an anxiety/ panic disorder.
At first I wasn't sure. Wearing some sort of a bracelet with my disorders plainly engraved on it is a definite marking. I'd be labeling myself- literally. How would people react if they saw it and saw what I was diagnosed with? How would I feel about having my diagnosis open to the public? Then I started thinking about other things. What if I was in a car accident like I was when I was first married, and I completely started freaking out. The people trying to help me would probably need to know that there was more going on than just potential injuries. Yeah, I have handled things well in the past, but what if I don't for whatever reason?
Then I started thinking even further to why I feel ashamed of my own disorder. I love the place I work. For their medical insurance, they consider mental disorders just like any other medical condition and have no limitations on doctor visits or medicine that you might need. If my own insurance company can think of it that way, why can't I? And, if it is going to help me in the event of an emergency (that I hope never happens), maybe it's not such a bad thing after all.
So, yeah, I'll wear a bracelet to help those who are trying to help me. Maybe some day it will come in handy. And if it doesn't, well, I made sure to get a rather nice one that isn't a neon sign, so it should be a pretty accessory anyhow...
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Learning the Hard Way
"I want patience and I want it right now!"
How often have I thought that phrase when I am wanting something that I don't have yet. Whether it is the money for a new car, full knowledge of everything I need to know in my new chosen profession, or the ability to see my family across the country, I tend to ask for patience in a very impatient way. In some ways, I have never grown up from the little child who needs instant gratification for her wants and needs. Sure, I understand that I need to wait, but do I really? The way our society works doesn't help me out any either. Everything seems to be "on demand" anymore. Instant access to news, shopping, and just about everything else is a click away on the internet. Got an earache or worse, there's clinics and even ER to get help for it immediately. Then there's the 24 hour stores, including the one I work at, which can give you products and services any time of the day or night. Sure, we are taught to wait when we are little, but we never really have to learn it. Until it's something that can't be instantly granted.
Ask the person who just got out of knee surgery if they want to go on a five mile run and they'll laugh at you. They have to be patient and give their body time to heal. For a lot of us, including me, that's learning it the hard way. It is the hard way because it is out of our control; and believe me, control is a big thing with an anxiety disorder. When you are worried about something, you want to control every aspect of it to make sure it gets done. You don't want to rely on others who might let you down, you want to be the bottom line, even if that means more responsibility, at least you know it was done and done right. Now, that kind of attitude will get you pretty far in the work-a-day world, but it will get you nowhere when it comes to the things of God.
After all, if it were up to Adam and Eve, they would have been brought back to the Garden with the birth of Cain, not Jesus. Jesus Himself would have brought down the Romans and became a king on earth if the Jews had their way on how this Messiah thing would pan out. But both of those scenarios weren't God's plan. God's plan was that Adam and Eve would have to be patient about going back to Eden, and that Christ would not be the earthly King, but the Heavenly King sent to save us all from our sins and not just the Jews from the Romans.
If it were up to us now, we would be up to the same tricks in a different way. Popular culture would tell us to pray a specific prayer or pray it in a specific way. There might also be talk of taking risks to prove your faith or living your life according to the strictest rules to prove your loyalty to God and your worthiness for what you ask for. But that gets back to what we can control and in the ways of God, we know that it isn't in our best interest for us to be in control. Despite what our sinful flesh may tell us, He does know what is best for us and has the best plan in mind. So our response to things that we want that God has not granted to us yet is somewhat of an inactive role.
We can pray to God daily that He might grant us what we wish. We can do what we are able to prepare us for what we pray. We can even express our frustration and anger to God over what we do not yet have. However, we must remember that none of those things are leverage to get what we want, for God is a God of gifts. We did not earn or merit our salvation, but while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us and gave us the gift of salvation in baptism. The forgiveness of sins is given to us in, with, and under the bread and wine of Holy Communion in His body and His blood and in Holy Absolution. Then, when we feel exhausted and wonder if God really hears our plea, we must pray, "Lord, I believe! Help, thou, my unbelief!" and trust that God will gift us when and where He chooses for His glory.
How often have I thought that phrase when I am wanting something that I don't have yet. Whether it is the money for a new car, full knowledge of everything I need to know in my new chosen profession, or the ability to see my family across the country, I tend to ask for patience in a very impatient way. In some ways, I have never grown up from the little child who needs instant gratification for her wants and needs. Sure, I understand that I need to wait, but do I really? The way our society works doesn't help me out any either. Everything seems to be "on demand" anymore. Instant access to news, shopping, and just about everything else is a click away on the internet. Got an earache or worse, there's clinics and even ER to get help for it immediately. Then there's the 24 hour stores, including the one I work at, which can give you products and services any time of the day or night. Sure, we are taught to wait when we are little, but we never really have to learn it. Until it's something that can't be instantly granted.
Ask the person who just got out of knee surgery if they want to go on a five mile run and they'll laugh at you. They have to be patient and give their body time to heal. For a lot of us, including me, that's learning it the hard way. It is the hard way because it is out of our control; and believe me, control is a big thing with an anxiety disorder. When you are worried about something, you want to control every aspect of it to make sure it gets done. You don't want to rely on others who might let you down, you want to be the bottom line, even if that means more responsibility, at least you know it was done and done right. Now, that kind of attitude will get you pretty far in the work-a-day world, but it will get you nowhere when it comes to the things of God.
After all, if it were up to Adam and Eve, they would have been brought back to the Garden with the birth of Cain, not Jesus. Jesus Himself would have brought down the Romans and became a king on earth if the Jews had their way on how this Messiah thing would pan out. But both of those scenarios weren't God's plan. God's plan was that Adam and Eve would have to be patient about going back to Eden, and that Christ would not be the earthly King, but the Heavenly King sent to save us all from our sins and not just the Jews from the Romans.
If it were up to us now, we would be up to the same tricks in a different way. Popular culture would tell us to pray a specific prayer or pray it in a specific way. There might also be talk of taking risks to prove your faith or living your life according to the strictest rules to prove your loyalty to God and your worthiness for what you ask for. But that gets back to what we can control and in the ways of God, we know that it isn't in our best interest for us to be in control. Despite what our sinful flesh may tell us, He does know what is best for us and has the best plan in mind. So our response to things that we want that God has not granted to us yet is somewhat of an inactive role.
We can pray to God daily that He might grant us what we wish. We can do what we are able to prepare us for what we pray. We can even express our frustration and anger to God over what we do not yet have. However, we must remember that none of those things are leverage to get what we want, for God is a God of gifts. We did not earn or merit our salvation, but while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us and gave us the gift of salvation in baptism. The forgiveness of sins is given to us in, with, and under the bread and wine of Holy Communion in His body and His blood and in Holy Absolution. Then, when we feel exhausted and wonder if God really hears our plea, we must pray, "Lord, I believe! Help, thou, my unbelief!" and trust that God will gift us when and where He chooses for His glory.
Friday, September 11, 2009
New Beginnings
So, I started work in the pharmacy this week. It scared the crap outta me to say the least! I was so afraid of making a mistake or doing something completely wrong. However, I can say that I am grateful for technology that helps keep nasty mistakes from happening and the wonderful people who are working to train me to help keep me on my toes when the machines don't catch what mistakes I do make. It was also exhilarating! I am, indirectly, making a difference in people's lives to help them get healthy and stay healthy. Yesterday, I saw someone pick up a prescription that I had filled. She had thanks in her eyes knowing that her child was going to get well from the medicine. That was just neat to watch. I made a difference. The training is going well, even if my anxieties are high. It's hard to start a completely new profession, but I think I will be good at it, especially once I can get over the jitters.
This has caused me to think about other things lately, however. Things I need to let go of in order to move on. I don't want to admit it to myself, but I am still angry at some who have caused me to walk the path I am walking now. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would become a pharmacy technician when I was growing up. I always thought I would be a teacher. I do think this is for the best now, but I still find myself wanting to hold a grudge against those who made my path hard along the way. I need to forgive them and to be forgiven for those grudges. Some are fresher than others. Unfortunately, it's all made a little worse with my disorder because that guilt comes with anxiety and that anxiety comes with it's own physical consequences. I know it's private confession and absolution I need, but I am even scared to do that and not just because I will be confessing this grudge to another person, but because part of my fears stem from the trust needed to confess. It's not that I don't trust my father confessor- he's amazing! But I do feel that every time I trust a pastor outside of my own family, they let me down in some way. I know I need to get over that, too, but it's hard. Pray for me as I work through this. Trust is a tough path...
This has caused me to think about other things lately, however. Things I need to let go of in order to move on. I don't want to admit it to myself, but I am still angry at some who have caused me to walk the path I am walking now. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would become a pharmacy technician when I was growing up. I always thought I would be a teacher. I do think this is for the best now, but I still find myself wanting to hold a grudge against those who made my path hard along the way. I need to forgive them and to be forgiven for those grudges. Some are fresher than others. Unfortunately, it's all made a little worse with my disorder because that guilt comes with anxiety and that anxiety comes with it's own physical consequences. I know it's private confession and absolution I need, but I am even scared to do that and not just because I will be confessing this grudge to another person, but because part of my fears stem from the trust needed to confess. It's not that I don't trust my father confessor- he's amazing! But I do feel that every time I trust a pastor outside of my own family, they let me down in some way. I know I need to get over that, too, but it's hard. Pray for me as I work through this. Trust is a tough path...
Friday, September 4, 2009
It has been way too long...
I should have updated this more frequently, but I just haven't seemed to have the time. I got the Pharmacy Tech job at Walgreens and today I got my first taste in the Pharmacy. Oh, boy is it fast paced! I am sure that I won't mind soon enough, but right now it was dizzying, and I was only working the register! I have to admit that my anxiety spiked a lot and I started to worry that I made a big mistake in going into the pharm tech business. I even felt like I was going to cry! However, on my break, I began rereading I Trust When Dark My Road and was reminded to give my fears, my anxieties, my cares about this new endeavor to Christ, Who wants what is best for me and will help me through any situation, even one as scary as the first day in the Pharmacy! The second half of my shift went much better after that. In fact, by the end when I started getting the hang of my little corner of the world in the Pharmacy, I started to enjoy it. I did feel horribly overwhelmed at first. Yeah, I know about different medications, about counting tablets and capsules, but to actually be there and see what is going on- wow! Talk about information overload! I hope I helped them out in there because I sure felt like I was a horrible burden. I know the managers have been impressed with my level of learning and picking up the regular front end/register things, but I had experience with that before. I have only book learning when it comes to the pharmacy, not experience. I hope I can find a good balance and become as good at the Pharm tech thing as I am at the cashier thing.
I had to quit the Target job as it was becoming too much for me to handle. Working two jobs and trying to learn one that is major in my next career move was a little much for me. I hated to just leave without two weeks notice, but when I tried to work with them to cut hours or *something*, they didn't seem to really want to work with me. It left me no choice but to leave them high and dry for my career. I felt bad for it, but stocking shelves isn't exactly where my heart is at.
I still feel overwhelmed and scared, but my official training in the pharmacy begins on Wednesday when I can ask lots of questions and they expect me to be learning. This will be a very good thing! :) I look forward to it and I am looking forward to the challenge.
I had to quit the Target job as it was becoming too much for me to handle. Working two jobs and trying to learn one that is major in my next career move was a little much for me. I hated to just leave without two weeks notice, but when I tried to work with them to cut hours or *something*, they didn't seem to really want to work with me. It left me no choice but to leave them high and dry for my career. I felt bad for it, but stocking shelves isn't exactly where my heart is at.
I still feel overwhelmed and scared, but my official training in the pharmacy begins on Wednesday when I can ask lots of questions and they expect me to be learning. This will be a very good thing! :) I look forward to it and I am looking forward to the challenge.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Getting Along
I think I just about have the work routine down now. I still feel like I am not fast enough and have been looking at ways to improve how fast it takes me to stock an aisle. I am not sure if I take longer because I pick the aisles that are a challenge and I don't mind if there is a lot of work involved or if I am just slow. Either way, I am working towards speeding things up a bit. It takes time, but I want to be the best I can with what I have to do.
I am starting to fall behind on the cleaning again, so I need to get into gear for that. For whatever reason, I have been exhausted the last couple of days and have needed tons of sleep. Tim has a cold of some sort, so I am wondering if I battled that off with the extra sleep. No matter, it's time to clean the house again! (It never ends!!!)
I was so proud that we only spent $100 on groceries and I am confident that we can make that last about two weeks if we are careful. I have been making smoothies to curb my cravings for fresh fruit. This way I can use frozen fruit and it still tastes yummy! The fids have gotten into the bananas a couple of times. I have forgotten how much Daffy really likes to eat them! I also broke down and bought frozen veggies. I found that this was something that I couldn't do without and I am not sure how we did it before!
My anxiety is still trying to worm its way into things. I know that God is in control and that my baptism is still valid, but sometimes my sinful self wants me to fear myself to despair that things aren't going the way that I would like them to go. I have to remember that it is Thy will be done, not My will be done, but that is hard for someone who controls her anxiety by trying to control her life. God has and will continue to provide my daily bread.
Well, time to wake up the fids and get to cleaning. Lately, I have been able to put Buttercup on her back. Maybe I'll make a trick out of it! We'll see!
I am starting to fall behind on the cleaning again, so I need to get into gear for that. For whatever reason, I have been exhausted the last couple of days and have needed tons of sleep. Tim has a cold of some sort, so I am wondering if I battled that off with the extra sleep. No matter, it's time to clean the house again! (It never ends!!!)
I was so proud that we only spent $100 on groceries and I am confident that we can make that last about two weeks if we are careful. I have been making smoothies to curb my cravings for fresh fruit. This way I can use frozen fruit and it still tastes yummy! The fids have gotten into the bananas a couple of times. I have forgotten how much Daffy really likes to eat them! I also broke down and bought frozen veggies. I found that this was something that I couldn't do without and I am not sure how we did it before!
My anxiety is still trying to worm its way into things. I know that God is in control and that my baptism is still valid, but sometimes my sinful self wants me to fear myself to despair that things aren't going the way that I would like them to go. I have to remember that it is Thy will be done, not My will be done, but that is hard for someone who controls her anxiety by trying to control her life. God has and will continue to provide my daily bread.
Well, time to wake up the fids and get to cleaning. Lately, I have been able to put Buttercup on her back. Maybe I'll make a trick out of it! We'll see!
Monday, August 3, 2009
A Break from Blogging, No Break from Life
Things have gone a little crazy since I last blogged. It has been a hard couple of days. I am getting used to getting up at two thirty/ three o' clock in the morning and I seem to be more awake at that time than I am at eight at night. I do feel like I am always a step behind on my sleep, though, and going to and from Chicago hasn't helped at all. Yesterday I never really did sleep all night. I took a couple of two hour naps instead. That just didn't work for me and today I had to sleep most of the day just to "catch up".
Things have been tough since we lost Peanut. I keep expecting him to run out of the bird room, chasing Snowball, singing, or wanting to be chased. I came home from work the day after all that happened and cried my eyes out for a while. The rest of the flock has been my constant companion since that happened. While the keets have been looking for Peanut, they are also starting to spend more time around the people part of their flock. Buster's toe is on the road to recovery and I think he will be fine.
However, each day that I make it through, each day that I have my daily bread from God, I am reminded that God is ultimately in control and that He will provide for me.
Things have been tough since we lost Peanut. I keep expecting him to run out of the bird room, chasing Snowball, singing, or wanting to be chased. I came home from work the day after all that happened and cried my eyes out for a while. The rest of the flock has been my constant companion since that happened. While the keets have been looking for Peanut, they are also starting to spend more time around the people part of their flock. Buster's toe is on the road to recovery and I think he will be fine.
However, each day that I make it through, each day that I have my daily bread from God, I am reminded that God is ultimately in control and that He will provide for me.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Second Day at Target and a Rough Homecoming
This morning went pretty well. I am starting to get the hang of working the line. I know I must be doing good when they forget about me every once in a while. I have worked my best to learn the ropes quickly and today they did have some hours to give that I was very tempted to take. I am glad that I didn't.
I came home and Peanut, our little English Budgie, was struggling to breathe and walking as if he were limp on one side. I remembered a vet that I passed on the way into work and wondered if they took care of birds. I knew whatever was going on was pretty serious. The odd thing is, he was fine yesterday. He was running around and playing like normal. He didn't eat or get into anything out of the ordinary. If he had, undoubtedly, the other parakeets who follow him around would have gotten sick, too. I called the vet that I passed on the way to work, and they agreed that they could see him right away. Eight in the morning used to be early for me. Now, I have already been up for five hours or so. Tim and I brought him in and the vet took one look and I could tell from her expression it wasn't good. She said she thought he had a brain tumor as he was very slow on his responses, seemed blind, and was showing behavior concurrent with nerve damage. He hadn't pooped yet that morning, either. While I was holding him, there were a couple of times that I thought he was going to stop breathing. The doc told me what I was afraid of when I brought him in. She said the most humane thing to do would be to put him to sleep.
I may have a lot of birds and I might just be crazy, but I love these little guys so much. I can tell you their stories, their goofy behaviors, and things that you just can't help but laugh about. I might have "eleven more", but the one I lost is mourned like the member of the family that he is. I keep thinking that I need to go and find him and see what he is up to or if he is behaving. A tear rolls down my cheek as I realize that isn't going to happen any more.
Peanut was a beautiful bird with a lot of life. He loved to be ornery and jump on other birds' tails just to be silly. He was the first budgie that the cockatiels ever saw and so he took great pleasure out of chasing them around and listening to them hiss. He was gentle and after he got to know the cockatiels, he would preen them and cuddle with them. He did that for Buster yesterday while Buster was in the hospital cage. He even sang Buster to sleep at one point. Peanut loved to be chased and would always put up a good chase if you wanted to put him somewhere or if you just wanted to play. He would routinely sing himself to sleep at night using all the sounds that the flock made in his song, including conure screams, quaker warblings, and cockatiel's whistles and their version of the "Big Rock Candy Mountain". Since we got two more budgies, he actually began to sound more like a budgie again. It was a shame that his life was taken from him before his first birthday, but we gave him all the life that we could. He was loved from the beginning and cherished. I will miss him greatly. He will always have a special place in my heart.
I came home and Peanut, our little English Budgie, was struggling to breathe and walking as if he were limp on one side. I remembered a vet that I passed on the way into work and wondered if they took care of birds. I knew whatever was going on was pretty serious. The odd thing is, he was fine yesterday. He was running around and playing like normal. He didn't eat or get into anything out of the ordinary. If he had, undoubtedly, the other parakeets who follow him around would have gotten sick, too. I called the vet that I passed on the way to work, and they agreed that they could see him right away. Eight in the morning used to be early for me. Now, I have already been up for five hours or so. Tim and I brought him in and the vet took one look and I could tell from her expression it wasn't good. She said she thought he had a brain tumor as he was very slow on his responses, seemed blind, and was showing behavior concurrent with nerve damage. He hadn't pooped yet that morning, either. While I was holding him, there were a couple of times that I thought he was going to stop breathing. The doc told me what I was afraid of when I brought him in. She said the most humane thing to do would be to put him to sleep.
I may have a lot of birds and I might just be crazy, but I love these little guys so much. I can tell you their stories, their goofy behaviors, and things that you just can't help but laugh about. I might have "eleven more", but the one I lost is mourned like the member of the family that he is. I keep thinking that I need to go and find him and see what he is up to or if he is behaving. A tear rolls down my cheek as I realize that isn't going to happen any more.
Peanut was a beautiful bird with a lot of life. He loved to be ornery and jump on other birds' tails just to be silly. He was the first budgie that the cockatiels ever saw and so he took great pleasure out of chasing them around and listening to them hiss. He was gentle and after he got to know the cockatiels, he would preen them and cuddle with them. He did that for Buster yesterday while Buster was in the hospital cage. He even sang Buster to sleep at one point. Peanut loved to be chased and would always put up a good chase if you wanted to put him somewhere or if you just wanted to play. He would routinely sing himself to sleep at night using all the sounds that the flock made in his song, including conure screams, quaker warblings, and cockatiel's whistles and their version of the "Big Rock Candy Mountain". Since we got two more budgies, he actually began to sound more like a budgie again. It was a shame that his life was taken from him before his first birthday, but we gave him all the life that we could. He was loved from the beginning and cherished. I will miss him greatly. He will always have a special place in my heart.
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