So I have been getting my fingers into many different things lately. It is borne from trying my best to work to wean myself off of my stronger medication as well as to find things to do that isn't staring at the TV or computer screen blankly for hours at a time. I have been researching my genealogy and have found ancestors that date back to 1774 in Ireland. I am currently working on learning more about the German side of my family and how the Lutheran line was passed down. I hope I find something about that soon. It has been neat to discover things about my family and link them to historical events that I learned about in school. I think my Irish ancestors were part of the immigration to the Americas because of the Potato Famine. I haven't quite learned the reasons why the German side came to the States, but I am sure I will discover it eventually.
This research helps me feel like I am not so alone. I have all this family, some of which I never knew about, who did things like leave home across the ocean never to return again, and I complain that I am a twelve hour drive away! They managed to forge their way in frontier land and I complain that I have to live in a city where everything is established. It's kinda neat to think about and humbling to realise how much easier I have it than they did, and they survived.
To top it all off, I realize that I take communion with many of these ancestors of mine each Sunday when with angels and archangels and all the company of heaven we partake of the heavenly Feast of the Lamb. That's just awesome- the great grandparents I never met stand with me at the Table. God is just cool like that!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Necessity is the Mother of Invention
They say necessity is the mother of invention. In my case, they'd be right. Daffy, our little cinnamon pearl cockatiel has been making a nuisance of herself and started plucking her back very badly since winter started. To make matters worse, she royally scabbed up her back and was picking at the scab until it was bleeding horrible. I recognized the need for an e-collar, but was plum out and wondering how I was going to make this happen. Then it dawned on me- I have scraps of material, sew on velcro and a sewing machine. Within ten minutes, I had a reusable, washable, handy dandy e-collar that would bend and allow her to eat without getting in the way and keep her from ripping her back up and ripping off scabs that had formed. I am darn proud of myself! It works like a charm!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Wow, it's been too long since I posted...
Things have been going crazy around here from the different work schedule (I had almost forgotten how crazy retail hours are) to the studying and everything else that is going on. I didn't mean to neglect my blog, I just did! Ewps!
I have to say that I am very impressed with my anxiety levels as all of these changes have been happening. For the most part, I have been going with the flow of things and haven't really had any episodes to think about or worry about. I have been making sure to daily take stock of where I am on my anxiety and try to figure out why I have the anxiety that I do if I notice it. It has worked very well and I am very impressed with how I have handled things. Even some of the rougher situations that would normally throw me completely out of whack have been simple and easy to handle.
I started something new this week that is a little more personal, but kinda not at the same time. Lately, I have been looking into ways to save a little more money here and there so that we can stretch our dollars a little farther. One of the things that I discovered is something I would have never thought of! When Auntie Flow comes to town, I had always figured that to be a cost that I would just have to live with, so imagine my surprise when I found that there are people out there who make cloth pads! The price is a little costly at first, so I saved up my money and researched it fully for what I wanted. My initial questions like, "Will they leak?" and "Will they stain?" flooded my mind as I researched it. I finally found one that I thought would work for me and put my money down. They arrived on Sat and Auntie Flow came soon after. It was the big test, I thought, and so I dove in. And I was pleasantly surprised! No leaks. No stains. These things are amazing! The best part is I can throw them in the wash and use them again and again. Comfortable and cute and if I treat them right, something that will last for years to come. Odd thing to be giddy about, I know, but I thought I would share anyway! :)
I have to say that I am very impressed with my anxiety levels as all of these changes have been happening. For the most part, I have been going with the flow of things and haven't really had any episodes to think about or worry about. I have been making sure to daily take stock of where I am on my anxiety and try to figure out why I have the anxiety that I do if I notice it. It has worked very well and I am very impressed with how I have handled things. Even some of the rougher situations that would normally throw me completely out of whack have been simple and easy to handle.
I started something new this week that is a little more personal, but kinda not at the same time. Lately, I have been looking into ways to save a little more money here and there so that we can stretch our dollars a little farther. One of the things that I discovered is something I would have never thought of! When Auntie Flow comes to town, I had always figured that to be a cost that I would just have to live with, so imagine my surprise when I found that there are people out there who make cloth pads! The price is a little costly at first, so I saved up my money and researched it fully for what I wanted. My initial questions like, "Will they leak?" and "Will they stain?" flooded my mind as I researched it. I finally found one that I thought would work for me and put my money down. They arrived on Sat and Auntie Flow came soon after. It was the big test, I thought, and so I dove in. And I was pleasantly surprised! No leaks. No stains. These things are amazing! The best part is I can throw them in the wash and use them again and again. Comfortable and cute and if I treat them right, something that will last for years to come. Odd thing to be giddy about, I know, but I thought I would share anyway! :)
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tag! You're Identified!
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the stuff I can do to help myself in the event of a medical emergency. Now, before you think that I am about to go off the deep end, I am not obsessing over something horrible that might happen to me, but I am thinking about the people I interact with every day. I have heard more stories about people who have had different drug interactions and allergies that have popped up that have sent them to the emergency room since I started working in the pharmacy. I do have a couple of allergies that should be documented and kept on my person just in case something goes wrong, but that's not where my thoughts ended. I started thinking about whether or not I should wear some documentation that I have an anxiety/ panic disorder.
At first I wasn't sure. Wearing some sort of a bracelet with my disorders plainly engraved on it is a definite marking. I'd be labeling myself- literally. How would people react if they saw it and saw what I was diagnosed with? How would I feel about having my diagnosis open to the public? Then I started thinking about other things. What if I was in a car accident like I was when I was first married, and I completely started freaking out. The people trying to help me would probably need to know that there was more going on than just potential injuries. Yeah, I have handled things well in the past, but what if I don't for whatever reason?
Then I started thinking even further to why I feel ashamed of my own disorder. I love the place I work. For their medical insurance, they consider mental disorders just like any other medical condition and have no limitations on doctor visits or medicine that you might need. If my own insurance company can think of it that way, why can't I? And, if it is going to help me in the event of an emergency (that I hope never happens), maybe it's not such a bad thing after all.
So, yeah, I'll wear a bracelet to help those who are trying to help me. Maybe some day it will come in handy. And if it doesn't, well, I made sure to get a rather nice one that isn't a neon sign, so it should be a pretty accessory anyhow...
At first I wasn't sure. Wearing some sort of a bracelet with my disorders plainly engraved on it is a definite marking. I'd be labeling myself- literally. How would people react if they saw it and saw what I was diagnosed with? How would I feel about having my diagnosis open to the public? Then I started thinking about other things. What if I was in a car accident like I was when I was first married, and I completely started freaking out. The people trying to help me would probably need to know that there was more going on than just potential injuries. Yeah, I have handled things well in the past, but what if I don't for whatever reason?
Then I started thinking even further to why I feel ashamed of my own disorder. I love the place I work. For their medical insurance, they consider mental disorders just like any other medical condition and have no limitations on doctor visits or medicine that you might need. If my own insurance company can think of it that way, why can't I? And, if it is going to help me in the event of an emergency (that I hope never happens), maybe it's not such a bad thing after all.
So, yeah, I'll wear a bracelet to help those who are trying to help me. Maybe some day it will come in handy. And if it doesn't, well, I made sure to get a rather nice one that isn't a neon sign, so it should be a pretty accessory anyhow...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Learning the Hard Way
"I want patience and I want it right now!"
How often have I thought that phrase when I am wanting something that I don't have yet. Whether it is the money for a new car, full knowledge of everything I need to know in my new chosen profession, or the ability to see my family across the country, I tend to ask for patience in a very impatient way. In some ways, I have never grown up from the little child who needs instant gratification for her wants and needs. Sure, I understand that I need to wait, but do I really? The way our society works doesn't help me out any either. Everything seems to be "on demand" anymore. Instant access to news, shopping, and just about everything else is a click away on the internet. Got an earache or worse, there's clinics and even ER to get help for it immediately. Then there's the 24 hour stores, including the one I work at, which can give you products and services any time of the day or night. Sure, we are taught to wait when we are little, but we never really have to learn it. Until it's something that can't be instantly granted.
Ask the person who just got out of knee surgery if they want to go on a five mile run and they'll laugh at you. They have to be patient and give their body time to heal. For a lot of us, including me, that's learning it the hard way. It is the hard way because it is out of our control; and believe me, control is a big thing with an anxiety disorder. When you are worried about something, you want to control every aspect of it to make sure it gets done. You don't want to rely on others who might let you down, you want to be the bottom line, even if that means more responsibility, at least you know it was done and done right. Now, that kind of attitude will get you pretty far in the work-a-day world, but it will get you nowhere when it comes to the things of God.
After all, if it were up to Adam and Eve, they would have been brought back to the Garden with the birth of Cain, not Jesus. Jesus Himself would have brought down the Romans and became a king on earth if the Jews had their way on how this Messiah thing would pan out. But both of those scenarios weren't God's plan. God's plan was that Adam and Eve would have to be patient about going back to Eden, and that Christ would not be the earthly King, but the Heavenly King sent to save us all from our sins and not just the Jews from the Romans.
If it were up to us now, we would be up to the same tricks in a different way. Popular culture would tell us to pray a specific prayer or pray it in a specific way. There might also be talk of taking risks to prove your faith or living your life according to the strictest rules to prove your loyalty to God and your worthiness for what you ask for. But that gets back to what we can control and in the ways of God, we know that it isn't in our best interest for us to be in control. Despite what our sinful flesh may tell us, He does know what is best for us and has the best plan in mind. So our response to things that we want that God has not granted to us yet is somewhat of an inactive role.
We can pray to God daily that He might grant us what we wish. We can do what we are able to prepare us for what we pray. We can even express our frustration and anger to God over what we do not yet have. However, we must remember that none of those things are leverage to get what we want, for God is a God of gifts. We did not earn or merit our salvation, but while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us and gave us the gift of salvation in baptism. The forgiveness of sins is given to us in, with, and under the bread and wine of Holy Communion in His body and His blood and in Holy Absolution. Then, when we feel exhausted and wonder if God really hears our plea, we must pray, "Lord, I believe! Help, thou, my unbelief!" and trust that God will gift us when and where He chooses for His glory.
How often have I thought that phrase when I am wanting something that I don't have yet. Whether it is the money for a new car, full knowledge of everything I need to know in my new chosen profession, or the ability to see my family across the country, I tend to ask for patience in a very impatient way. In some ways, I have never grown up from the little child who needs instant gratification for her wants and needs. Sure, I understand that I need to wait, but do I really? The way our society works doesn't help me out any either. Everything seems to be "on demand" anymore. Instant access to news, shopping, and just about everything else is a click away on the internet. Got an earache or worse, there's clinics and even ER to get help for it immediately. Then there's the 24 hour stores, including the one I work at, which can give you products and services any time of the day or night. Sure, we are taught to wait when we are little, but we never really have to learn it. Until it's something that can't be instantly granted.
Ask the person who just got out of knee surgery if they want to go on a five mile run and they'll laugh at you. They have to be patient and give their body time to heal. For a lot of us, including me, that's learning it the hard way. It is the hard way because it is out of our control; and believe me, control is a big thing with an anxiety disorder. When you are worried about something, you want to control every aspect of it to make sure it gets done. You don't want to rely on others who might let you down, you want to be the bottom line, even if that means more responsibility, at least you know it was done and done right. Now, that kind of attitude will get you pretty far in the work-a-day world, but it will get you nowhere when it comes to the things of God.
After all, if it were up to Adam and Eve, they would have been brought back to the Garden with the birth of Cain, not Jesus. Jesus Himself would have brought down the Romans and became a king on earth if the Jews had their way on how this Messiah thing would pan out. But both of those scenarios weren't God's plan. God's plan was that Adam and Eve would have to be patient about going back to Eden, and that Christ would not be the earthly King, but the Heavenly King sent to save us all from our sins and not just the Jews from the Romans.
If it were up to us now, we would be up to the same tricks in a different way. Popular culture would tell us to pray a specific prayer or pray it in a specific way. There might also be talk of taking risks to prove your faith or living your life according to the strictest rules to prove your loyalty to God and your worthiness for what you ask for. But that gets back to what we can control and in the ways of God, we know that it isn't in our best interest for us to be in control. Despite what our sinful flesh may tell us, He does know what is best for us and has the best plan in mind. So our response to things that we want that God has not granted to us yet is somewhat of an inactive role.
We can pray to God daily that He might grant us what we wish. We can do what we are able to prepare us for what we pray. We can even express our frustration and anger to God over what we do not yet have. However, we must remember that none of those things are leverage to get what we want, for God is a God of gifts. We did not earn or merit our salvation, but while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us and gave us the gift of salvation in baptism. The forgiveness of sins is given to us in, with, and under the bread and wine of Holy Communion in His body and His blood and in Holy Absolution. Then, when we feel exhausted and wonder if God really hears our plea, we must pray, "Lord, I believe! Help, thou, my unbelief!" and trust that God will gift us when and where He chooses for His glory.
Friday, September 11, 2009
New Beginnings
So, I started work in the pharmacy this week. It scared the crap outta me to say the least! I was so afraid of making a mistake or doing something completely wrong. However, I can say that I am grateful for technology that helps keep nasty mistakes from happening and the wonderful people who are working to train me to help keep me on my toes when the machines don't catch what mistakes I do make. It was also exhilarating! I am, indirectly, making a difference in people's lives to help them get healthy and stay healthy. Yesterday, I saw someone pick up a prescription that I had filled. She had thanks in her eyes knowing that her child was going to get well from the medicine. That was just neat to watch. I made a difference. The training is going well, even if my anxieties are high. It's hard to start a completely new profession, but I think I will be good at it, especially once I can get over the jitters.
This has caused me to think about other things lately, however. Things I need to let go of in order to move on. I don't want to admit it to myself, but I am still angry at some who have caused me to walk the path I am walking now. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would become a pharmacy technician when I was growing up. I always thought I would be a teacher. I do think this is for the best now, but I still find myself wanting to hold a grudge against those who made my path hard along the way. I need to forgive them and to be forgiven for those grudges. Some are fresher than others. Unfortunately, it's all made a little worse with my disorder because that guilt comes with anxiety and that anxiety comes with it's own physical consequences. I know it's private confession and absolution I need, but I am even scared to do that and not just because I will be confessing this grudge to another person, but because part of my fears stem from the trust needed to confess. It's not that I don't trust my father confessor- he's amazing! But I do feel that every time I trust a pastor outside of my own family, they let me down in some way. I know I need to get over that, too, but it's hard. Pray for me as I work through this. Trust is a tough path...
This has caused me to think about other things lately, however. Things I need to let go of in order to move on. I don't want to admit it to myself, but I am still angry at some who have caused me to walk the path I am walking now. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would become a pharmacy technician when I was growing up. I always thought I would be a teacher. I do think this is for the best now, but I still find myself wanting to hold a grudge against those who made my path hard along the way. I need to forgive them and to be forgiven for those grudges. Some are fresher than others. Unfortunately, it's all made a little worse with my disorder because that guilt comes with anxiety and that anxiety comes with it's own physical consequences. I know it's private confession and absolution I need, but I am even scared to do that and not just because I will be confessing this grudge to another person, but because part of my fears stem from the trust needed to confess. It's not that I don't trust my father confessor- he's amazing! But I do feel that every time I trust a pastor outside of my own family, they let me down in some way. I know I need to get over that, too, but it's hard. Pray for me as I work through this. Trust is a tough path...
Friday, September 4, 2009
It has been way too long...
I should have updated this more frequently, but I just haven't seemed to have the time. I got the Pharmacy Tech job at Walgreens and today I got my first taste in the Pharmacy. Oh, boy is it fast paced! I am sure that I won't mind soon enough, but right now it was dizzying, and I was only working the register! I have to admit that my anxiety spiked a lot and I started to worry that I made a big mistake in going into the pharm tech business. I even felt like I was going to cry! However, on my break, I began rereading I Trust When Dark My Road and was reminded to give my fears, my anxieties, my cares about this new endeavor to Christ, Who wants what is best for me and will help me through any situation, even one as scary as the first day in the Pharmacy! The second half of my shift went much better after that. In fact, by the end when I started getting the hang of my little corner of the world in the Pharmacy, I started to enjoy it. I did feel horribly overwhelmed at first. Yeah, I know about different medications, about counting tablets and capsules, but to actually be there and see what is going on- wow! Talk about information overload! I hope I helped them out in there because I sure felt like I was a horrible burden. I know the managers have been impressed with my level of learning and picking up the regular front end/register things, but I had experience with that before. I have only book learning when it comes to the pharmacy, not experience. I hope I can find a good balance and become as good at the Pharm tech thing as I am at the cashier thing.
I had to quit the Target job as it was becoming too much for me to handle. Working two jobs and trying to learn one that is major in my next career move was a little much for me. I hated to just leave without two weeks notice, but when I tried to work with them to cut hours or *something*, they didn't seem to really want to work with me. It left me no choice but to leave them high and dry for my career. I felt bad for it, but stocking shelves isn't exactly where my heart is at.
I still feel overwhelmed and scared, but my official training in the pharmacy begins on Wednesday when I can ask lots of questions and they expect me to be learning. This will be a very good thing! :) I look forward to it and I am looking forward to the challenge.
I had to quit the Target job as it was becoming too much for me to handle. Working two jobs and trying to learn one that is major in my next career move was a little much for me. I hated to just leave without two weeks notice, but when I tried to work with them to cut hours or *something*, they didn't seem to really want to work with me. It left me no choice but to leave them high and dry for my career. I felt bad for it, but stocking shelves isn't exactly where my heart is at.
I still feel overwhelmed and scared, but my official training in the pharmacy begins on Wednesday when I can ask lots of questions and they expect me to be learning. This will be a very good thing! :) I look forward to it and I am looking forward to the challenge.
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