Tears and My Baptism

It has been a really hard week for me. I won't go into it. It doesn't matter. It's just been hard. There have been lots of tears, frustrations, anger, and sadness. I can't say my anxiety went off the handle, but I am sure that it plays a part somewhere in all of those emotions. However, all of this stuff pales in comparison to what I still have. Yeah, things are tough right now and hard to go through, but my baptism is still valid. In fact, God has a great reminder for us that our baptism is still valid built in to our own reaction to pain. Tears, as they wash over our face and cover our face in that salt water, also remind us of our washing and rebirth in baptism, where we were clothed in Christ. Even in pain, God points us to Him, to where He has promised to be, namely Word and Sacraments. It's kind of awesome that a God who has gone through what we have gone through also gives us reminders of His goodness and mercy.

No, it's not magic, and my week won't suddenly get all sunny and happy, but the reassurance of the forgiveness of sins, life, and salvation is all I need to get through it.

Hunger and Thirst for the Sacrament

It's never fun to have an anxiety attack. I hate it when they happen. To make it worse, I had one in church on Sunday. What a place to have anxiety! The walls that have heard the words "Fear not. Be still and know that I am God," became witness to my sweaty palms, racing heart, and rapid breathing. My mind kept wandering to the coping strategies that help curb what was going on within me. Except, what was going on around me was exactly what I needed. When I turn to the strategies of reading the Word, I realized that I can find that in the Divine Service I was sitting though in that moment. Whether it is during the liturgy, the readings, and the prayers. The beginning of the service begins with the Invocation, as did my life in Christ at my baptism. Just in case I doubt that my sins are forgiven, the forgiveness of sins is pronounced in corporate confession and absolution.

However, my eyes focused on the Sacrament of the Altar. The medicine of immortality, as my pastor has said to me. Is it some sort of magic that would instantly fix my anxiety? No, not unless God willed it for me in that moment, but that was not what I was asking for anyhow. I wasn't looking for a miracle for my frail flesh, because I know what goes on there goes way past the moment of suffering I am going through. One fear that always gets me in my anxiety attacks is the fear of death, of either myself or my loved ones, and the Sacrament that I and my loved ones partake of is the Medicine of everlasting life.

My greatest fear has been defeated by Christ and given to me as a gift in my mouth and into my body. My broken, fearful self has perfection given to me in my body. I know that there is no merit or worthiness in me. Especially in the moment of anxiety, I know that it is all gift because there is nothing I can do to fix me. It must come from outside of me.

I found myself craving the Sacrament sitting in the pew. As I waited for the Service of the Sacrament, I heard the words of Christ assuring me that He was the Good Shepherd. That He is there to take care of me, when things are going well and when my anxiety is at its worst. During the sermon, my eyes looked to the crucifix, standing above the place where the Sacrament was found. It reminded me of exactly what I was getting in the Sacrament, that is, the very body and blood of Christ in, with, and under the bread and wine.

The Sacrament, which I may not see the full effects now but will definitely see when I am in Christ's kingdom in heaven, reassures me that I will not always be this way. I will be whole in heaven!! When I take part of the Eucharist, I get a foretaste of what is to come. For now, I must see it through the eyes of faith, but in heaven, I will see it with my own two eyes standing in the presence of God Almighty, who is my Good Shepherd and has taken such good care of me while I sojourn on earth.

Too Funny for Words

Sometimes working with young children means that you hear things about family life that most parents would like the general population to be ignorant on. Other times, children say things that are funny to adults that they don't completely understand. Other times children do things that are so unpredictable and hilarious that the only thing to do is to sit back and have a good laugh. Working with very young children makes that even more unpredictable. One such event happened today. While dropping a toy for another one, this frog found itself in a very compromised position. Which only leaves me wondering, "What did this frog do to deserve this?!"

Poor Nurse, He Had to Deal With Me

I think I pushed my cold too far. I should have taken a day off or two before it got as bad as it did. Yep, I ended up in ER on Saturday night. I wanted to go to the Easter Vigil, especially since I had made it to the Good Friday service on Friday at Our Savior, but I didn't make it to the other service that Tim preached at. My lungs felt like they were collapsing in on themselves and to make matters worse, I felt like I couldn't get enough oxygen. The final diagnosis: pneumonia.

However, the poor nurse that had to deal with me in ER probably didn't know what to do with me! They checked my vitals and then took X-Rays (where the pneumonia showed up) and last (but certainly not least) they took blood. However, since I was in ER, they decided to start a line. I hate needles. I have a terrible fear of them. I also hate blood. I hate seeing it, I hate having to deal with it. Put two fears together and you already have a recipe for disaster! However, for me, starting a line is so much worse because it stays in. I wouldn't have reacted completely as bad I think if it was simple- poke in, take out, all done! Oh, no, IVs hurt, and worse than that, YOU CAN SEE BLOOD not to mention the fact that you know there's still a needle in you (I know, it's not really a needle per se, but same thing in this phobic mind!).

Well, I handled it in my traditional way before learning how to deal with stuff like this! The only way I have found that I can make it through getting blood drawn/IVs put in is to take very deep slow breaths. There's only one problem with that when you already have a tight chest and cough when you breathe in too far- you can't do it! So, in typical me fashion, I panicked. I puked. It was great. The nurse I think panicked a bit, too, because he gave up and left me alone for a while. The doc was wonderful and got a prescription for an anti-anxiety right away. So, the next time, it wasn't nearly as traumatic, for me or the poor nurse!!

I always feel so helpless and stupid when I have that kind of reaction to simple medical procedures, but at the same time, I don't know what else I can do except work to make next time not so bad (and pray that there won't be a next time)!

This Just In...

As I have been looking over my blog lately, I started thinking about the number of posts that I seem to have made about myself. Granted, this is my blog, so that makes sense. However, this got me thinking about whether or not I have made me an idol in my writing. I should hope I haven't, but the sinful flesh always has ulterior motives, including hoping that I increase those who read my blog and make myself popular. So, for that, I should be in repentance and realize I am at God's mercy. However, though my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, this isn't a bad thing because my baptism washed me in Jesus' blood and God sees Christ when He looks at me. At God's mercy means I am forgiven and saved!

However, this did make me think further. I do not search out of guilt but out of curiousity. Can a disorder be an idol? Lots of times we think about an idol being something that we believe in that will save us. Be it money or a false god, the idol we have gives us something that we would otherwise lack. But a disorder? It's a burden, a cross, a hardship. It's hardly desirable and can do nothing but bring torment and harshness. But, if it is at the center of one's being, if it is at the center of everything that a person does, if it is at the core of how a person defines themselves, could it then be an idol?

An interesting thought. I would love feedback (and not just to increase readers! ;))

Stronger Than I Think?

All too often I feel very inadequate to handle the stuff that life throws at me because of my disorder. It's not that I want to feel like a victim, I just have a hard time thinking of myself as "strong" when my heart starts racing the moment I get into something normal like an elevator. Conflict and debates are some things I typically read or listen to, but I try my best not to get involved because I don't know always how to handle it. It is easy to get into routine and even a rut for me because I fear change, not because change could be bad, but because change is different from what I am comfortable with. So, this weekend, when I was talking to my mom, and she said that she believed I was stronger than I thought, I wasn't exactly sure what to say about it.

Sure, I have done some things in my life that I never thought I could. I drove a U-Haul once- that's sometimes my mantra when I am trying to convince myself that I can do anything! But to say that I am strong because I can do some things that I consider brave that others see as mundane just seems odd to me. However, as I was thinking about it, I realized that my mom may be on to something.

The first step I took that many haven't is that I recognize and am working on my disorder. I am not so afraid of being branded as a "mental case" that I am unwilling to get help. I don't think of myself so highly that I think I am above needing help either. I went and saw the doctor and started the work to get better.

The second step that I did was to learn about my disorder and what it says about me. Learning about it helped me define who I am. I learned about what my disorder does to me and why it causes the things that it does. In turn, I was able to either learn to use these to my advantage or use the strategies worked on between my doctor and I to correct the unhealthy behavior. Sometimes it is hard not to be hypercritical of myself because of this self-reflection, however, that's also something that I am working on.

The third thing I did was recognize that this, too, can point to God's goodness and mercy. Through my anxiety disorder, God has taught me so many things, the biggest one, I think, is how much I need Him and how much I cannot do for myself. In the middle of an anxiety attack, I usually have to take something outside of myself into myself to solve the problem- adavan or temazepam. In the middle of my sin, Christ comes to me through my baptism, absolution, and the Holy Supper to give me salvation that I could not attain on my own. The similarities are uncanny!

Is my mom right? Am I stronger than I think? I am not sure, however, I have found that mommies are hardly ever wrong...

Gospel Focused Bible Studies

What is the purpose of having a devotion at the beginning of a meeting in a church or a church run organization or business? Why do we do it as Christians? There has to be some sort of motivation for the action, however, I am not sure if anyone has a clear cut reason for why they do it. Perhaps it is expected or required because it is a Christian organization, and so meetings that have to do with the secular and not the sacred have a need for some sort of devotion to make the point that this is a Christian organization. But what type of devotion should be had, then? What should we study when the Bible study is not the main point of the meeting?

I have observed many different customs when it comes to answering this question. One such custom is do read the readings of the day or reread the readings appointed for the week. Others use a devotional book that is dated and simply read the devotion of the day. Still others use it to highlight an issue or problem that needs to be addressed.

All of these are good and noble reasons for a short Bible study before the start of a meeting. However, I have also seen this abused. I have seen Bible studies as a way to rebuke behavior without the Gospel. I have seen it used in the way of the Law where the Bible is used as a weapon to hurl at those who offend us. There is nothing wrong with using the Law to crush unrepentant sinners. There is nothing wrong with using the Law to show others their sins. This is one of the purposes of the Law that we learn in Catechism. However, the Law is never delivered without the Gospel. The Law shows us our sins and points us to the need for a Savior- The Savior, that is, Jesus Christ. In a Bible study setting, the study with a Law focus has the wrong focus and is much better left undone unless the Law is followed immediately by the Gospel.

However, that is not how we like to rebuke others, is it? We want them to feel horrible about what they have done and how they have sinned against us and God. We want to make sure that using the authority of both God and ourselves, the improper behavior is corrected out of fear, guilt, and the realization that something wrong has transpired. Allowing that word of Law to hang in the air gives it a finality to it. This is not the way it should be, it says, and it will be corrected instantly. That is perfectly fine in a secular employee- employer situation. There are times when we should be told that a certain behavior is unacceptable and will be stopped, but that is usually in a one on one situation and does not happen in a large group. However, in that one on one situation, there is usually an opportunity for repentance. The offending individual can apologize for the behavior and assure the boss or supervisor that the behavior will indeed stop and that they are truly sorry for it. As Christians, the response to those words is forgiveness. This does not absolve the person of any future offenses, but it does absolve the ones that the individual has apologized for.

Unless there is an open forum where the offending parties can offer an apology between the Law and the Gospel portion of Bible study (a practice that is very uncomfortable and is better left in a private setting), repentance should be assumed and the Gospel should be proclaimed. No one should leave that meeting feeling as if they are condemned because they didn't live up to the standards set forth by God and proclaimed in the Bible study. It is very difficult for someone to hear that they didn't measure up and they sinned, but it is even worse to do so without pointing them to the Savior. Reminding us that we do not live up to the example given to us by Christ is a good thing to remember, but it is worthless unless it is taken one step further. Christ lived the perfect example for us so that we, who cannot by nature, don't have to. Christ, the perfect sacrifice, paid our ransom for our sins and bought us back so that we may be his own and live under Him in His kingdom forever. When we sin and repent of those sins, God, who is faithful and just, forgives our sins and cleanses us from all unrighteousness. That, and not our sins is what the focus of Christianity is, and therefore should be the focus that Christians keep in all our vocations given to us by God. Sanctification comes after justification with God, and it should with us as well.