In a perfect world, we would never need anti-anxiety and depression medication. We would be perfectly happy with everything that we were given and every situation that we face. There would be no shame associated with needing the medication nor would there be a feeling of failure if you have to take it. It simply wouldn't exist. Until we reach eternity, that just simply isn't the case. Here in this sinful, fallen world, we need medicine sometimes to help us through our lives. Sometimes things get so overwhelming that assistance is needed.
I always find it ironic that most people are willing to take pain relievers when they have a headache or antacids when they have indigestion, but they are scared to take their anti-anxiety or depression medication when they need it. I haven't been able to decide if it is a fear of the medicine because it's strong enough to need a prescription or if it is a fear of what it stands for. So what does it stand for?
I am a sinner. I am a failure. I cannot control myself on my own, I need something to stabilize me. That is a crippling thing to think that it stands for! It makes one out to be nothing; someone who cannot function without help. It makes it so that we are not self-sufficient and that is something that we do not want to be. On top of it, what will others think of us? Will they think that we are crazy and that we should be avoided? Will I be shunned in society?
Unfortunately, if this is what admitting the disorder and taking the medication entails, many people want nothing of it. They would rather suffer in their own personal hells alone than admit to the problem, and in that they have a prison of their own making, spiritually and socially.
Socially, if you don't have something to stabilize you and you really need it, people are going to shun and avoid you. If you cannot control your temper, your depression, your incessant worry, and the like, people are going to steer clear of you because they don't want to deal with such negativity! They are dealing with enough on their own!!! They don't want to carry your burdens because they are overflowing onto their lives. They will try for a while, but eventually, they just won't be able to keep up with their stuff and yours. Untreated disorders bring exactly what some see medication as bringing: detachment from others. If cognitive behaviour therapy and other natural means control your disease, congrats! For those that it doesn't work for, remember that untreated is so much worse than treated!
Spiritually speaking, it's an even bigger mess. This idea that we can do it on our own without any help can spill over into our life with God as well. After all, if you think you can beat your disorder on your own, you might very well start to think that you can beat your sin on your own, too. All of the diseases on earth have one common root: sin. This root means that no matter how much we try to prolong or improve life, the wages of sin is death and that means disease as well, including depression and anxiety. It has many varieties, but the cause is all the same and we know that we cannot defeat sin on our own. If we could, there would be no need for Christ. Christ, who felt everything we felt, including anxiety that caused Him to sweat His blood, was perfect in keeping all the Commandments so that He was given as a perfect sacrifice for the redemption of His people. He did it all for us because we couldn't. Sometimes that's how God works with medication, too. When we are in our depths and cannot help ourselves, God works through means- a tablet or capsule- to alleviate the disorder within it. Spiritually, He gives His body and blood in with and under the bread and wine in Holy Communion as the medicine of immortality, and the medication for our disorders as the specific and temporary balm for our brand of sin.
Do I think medication is evil? Not when you really need it, so don't fear it. Instead, respect it and give glory to God that you have been given a gift by Him to help you work through your disorder.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Stiff Upper Lip
Sometimes the mask is just hard to maintain. It's hard to pretend like everything is okay when you want to cry your eyes out. It's hard to look at the world and smile when on the inside you are a writhing mess. You want to cry out to the world the pain that you feel inside only to know that they either won't care or will turn a deaf ear. Sometimes these moments last for hours and sometimes for days. Sometimes the silence of your own pain is as deafening as a concert at Summerfest. Either way, it is hard to be at home feeling the hurt and the rejection and then walk outside and smile to the rest of the world acting as if there is nothing to care about. It's hard to have the anxiety of a dreaded upcoming moment masked by the proper way to behave in public, that is, act like nothing is the matter. Wouldn't it be easier if we could just fall apart sometimes and let people know how we really feel without the bumpers of society? That sort of raw emotion is especially hard to process when it is a mix of anxiety and anger.
However, as Christians, it is important that we do just that. It is important that we bumper our raw emotions because we don't know how others might take it. In helping rid ourselves of hurt we don't want to hurt others. That is sin. It's not that simple, though, and often we fail. There are times that our emotional outbursts do hurt others and in our expression of raw emotions, we don't always say what we mean. In those times, it is Jesus' forgiveness that covers our failures, our sins. We ask the forgiveness of Christ and others in those moments and work to do better next time.
I haven't had one of those moments recently, but I fear that I will tomorrow. Pray for me that I keep myself in check but also do what needs to be done.
However, as Christians, it is important that we do just that. It is important that we bumper our raw emotions because we don't know how others might take it. In helping rid ourselves of hurt we don't want to hurt others. That is sin. It's not that simple, though, and often we fail. There are times that our emotional outbursts do hurt others and in our expression of raw emotions, we don't always say what we mean. In those times, it is Jesus' forgiveness that covers our failures, our sins. We ask the forgiveness of Christ and others in those moments and work to do better next time.
I haven't had one of those moments recently, but I fear that I will tomorrow. Pray for me that I keep myself in check but also do what needs to be done.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
What to Do When You Can't Do Anything Else
I'm an easy one to peg in a tough situation. I am the worrier. I worry about everything. From how people are going to react to the logistics of what the outcome of the situation might be, I worry. I worry about things that never cross most people's minds. Let there be no doubt about this. This type of worry is a sin. What's worse, there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Oh, I can read the self-help books. I can get stubborn and decide it's not going to bother me. I can dig my heels in and use every technique I have learned to help myself get through it. However, when all of these are said and done, they are merely coping strategies. They are things to ease me out of the tangled mess I get myself into internally each time I worry about what is happening in the world around me. The truth is, the moment I worry and take the situation out of God's hands and try to do something about it, even by just worrying about it, I have sinned. It has become second nature to me to do so in every stressful situation. Scratch that, it was first nature to begin with according to my old Adam. I was born this way- blind, dead, and an enemy of God. My worry may be how that particular reality manifests itself, but it is a sin. The wages of sin is death, the Lord says (Romans 6:23).
That seems very accurate for my worry, too. When I get the old anxiety motor revving, I feel rather dead inside. I want to do something to fix that feeling too, but I can't. Again, I can work to overcome it eventually, but at its core when it first starts, I am powerless. It's just there. It's sickening and hard and I can't just wave my hand and make it go away.
That's the start of the blessing about this disease, however. If I could wave my hand and make it go away, I might get cocky about it. I might just think that if I can cure myself of this anxiety, I might be able to do other things, like cure myself of sin. After all, my particular brand of sin, namely anxiety and worry, is still just as sinful as other things that people struggle with in their lives. So, by not being able to cure myself at the root, like I would like to, I have to rely on something outside of myself to make me right inside.
So, off I go to the hospital I go, where I receive the medicine to cure my ailing flesh. It is a weekly thing for me and I cannot even really take credit for going, for if He hadn't called me to be His own, I think I would still be trying to cure my anxiety apart from Him through some other means. The hospital is the Church, where I receive forgiveness of sins, life, and salvation. The medicine is the Medicine of Immortality, namely Christ's body and blood, given to me in, with, and under the bread and wine in Holy Communion. I was called by Him in my baptism, where He marked me as His own through ordinary water and the Word of God.
Where I drown in the weight of my sin, including anxiety, God plucks me from the murky waters and crowns me as a princess in His kingdom. He works through things like self- help books, psychologists, medicine, and His pastors to give me a glimpse of what has already happened to me that I cannot fully see yet. The anxiety has already been overcome. I have been made whole again already by Christ's death on the cross. I know it is true and that I will have an anxiety free body and life in heaven because Christ rose from the dead and I, too, shall rise again, and with all the saints, live sin free, anxiety free, and worry free in heaven with my God forever.
That seems very accurate for my worry, too. When I get the old anxiety motor revving, I feel rather dead inside. I want to do something to fix that feeling too, but I can't. Again, I can work to overcome it eventually, but at its core when it first starts, I am powerless. It's just there. It's sickening and hard and I can't just wave my hand and make it go away.
That's the start of the blessing about this disease, however. If I could wave my hand and make it go away, I might get cocky about it. I might just think that if I can cure myself of this anxiety, I might be able to do other things, like cure myself of sin. After all, my particular brand of sin, namely anxiety and worry, is still just as sinful as other things that people struggle with in their lives. So, by not being able to cure myself at the root, like I would like to, I have to rely on something outside of myself to make me right inside.
So, off I go to the hospital I go, where I receive the medicine to cure my ailing flesh. It is a weekly thing for me and I cannot even really take credit for going, for if He hadn't called me to be His own, I think I would still be trying to cure my anxiety apart from Him through some other means. The hospital is the Church, where I receive forgiveness of sins, life, and salvation. The medicine is the Medicine of Immortality, namely Christ's body and blood, given to me in, with, and under the bread and wine in Holy Communion. I was called by Him in my baptism, where He marked me as His own through ordinary water and the Word of God.
Where I drown in the weight of my sin, including anxiety, God plucks me from the murky waters and crowns me as a princess in His kingdom. He works through things like self- help books, psychologists, medicine, and His pastors to give me a glimpse of what has already happened to me that I cannot fully see yet. The anxiety has already been overcome. I have been made whole again already by Christ's death on the cross. I know it is true and that I will have an anxiety free body and life in heaven because Christ rose from the dead and I, too, shall rise again, and with all the saints, live sin free, anxiety free, and worry free in heaven with my God forever.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
What I Have Come to Appreciate
It has been a hard first three years of marriage for Tim and I. There were times when we weren't sure if we were going to financially make it. There were times where the tension could be cut with a knife in the Schellenbach household. Some of it was our fault, some of it happened to us. Regardless, I am content.
I am content with who I married. Tim is a wonderful man with a good Christian heart. He is loving, supportive, and wants to do what is best for me no matter what the cost to him. He has worked to understand me and grown to love the parts about me that I don't like. He is patient with me through my anxiety and works to help me through it whenever he can. Honey, I couldn't ask for anyone better and I look forward to growing old with you!
I appreciate all that God has given me. He has helped me understand the value of money and what it important. For a shop-a-holic, it was a great lesson to learn. I learned to enjoy the little things that I could work for and appreciate more deeply than if I bought it flippantly and didn't invest time in it. Something as simple as a new purse or watch is something that brings me so much happiness because I know that I worked hard and earned it well.
I have learned that there is a life outside of TV and movies. There are birds to play with (lots at my house!) who are well worth the time spent. God blessed me with these birds so that when my husband isn't home, I am never alone. They sing to me, take care of me, and keep me company. Daffy, a bird I have had for eight years now, even licks the tears off my face when I cry and Cinnamon won't leave my side when I am sick even to take care of herself. If it wasn't for how my life was turned completely upside down three years ago, I might not have never known these things.
There is so much to be appreciative about in my life that I can't list it all without filling up the entire internet bandwith! The summary of it all can be: Thanks be to God to all the blessings He has given me!
I am content with who I married. Tim is a wonderful man with a good Christian heart. He is loving, supportive, and wants to do what is best for me no matter what the cost to him. He has worked to understand me and grown to love the parts about me that I don't like. He is patient with me through my anxiety and works to help me through it whenever he can. Honey, I couldn't ask for anyone better and I look forward to growing old with you!
I appreciate all that God has given me. He has helped me understand the value of money and what it important. For a shop-a-holic, it was a great lesson to learn. I learned to enjoy the little things that I could work for and appreciate more deeply than if I bought it flippantly and didn't invest time in it. Something as simple as a new purse or watch is something that brings me so much happiness because I know that I worked hard and earned it well.
I have learned that there is a life outside of TV and movies. There are birds to play with (lots at my house!) who are well worth the time spent. God blessed me with these birds so that when my husband isn't home, I am never alone. They sing to me, take care of me, and keep me company. Daffy, a bird I have had for eight years now, even licks the tears off my face when I cry and Cinnamon won't leave my side when I am sick even to take care of herself. If it wasn't for how my life was turned completely upside down three years ago, I might not have never known these things.
There is so much to be appreciative about in my life that I can't list it all without filling up the entire internet bandwith! The summary of it all can be: Thanks be to God to all the blessings He has given me!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Perception and the Eight Commandment
~~~~~~~Warning: Rant Mode ON ~~~~~~~~
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the connection between perception and the Eighth Commandment. I can't help but think that if Christians would view things in a more Christ-like manner, we would save lots of heartache and trouble. I get so flustered when I hear things that could easily be explained away putting the best construction on a situation or simply asking the person who upset you what was going on. I can't stand it when tempers and anger take control of a situation instead of rational thought and understanding. Too many people nowadays look only to themselves and how they are victimized by other and how they can use that to get the best of every situation no matter what the cost is to anyone else. I have seen this done in churches, in the workplace, in charities, in the government, and business places. It would make the world a much better place if we stopped for one second in a situation that upsets us and think about it for a while. Perhaps there is a good explanation just waiting to be explored. Perhaps forgiveness is better than anger.
Don't get me wrong, there are times when things are wrong and situations have to be handled to the end that the wrong is righted, but not every time. The fact is, we can't always have our own way and hurting anyone and everyone who gets in our way on our path to self-gratification is simply wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~Rant mode: off~~~~~~~~~~~
Return to your regularly scheduled blogging now.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the connection between perception and the Eighth Commandment. I can't help but think that if Christians would view things in a more Christ-like manner, we would save lots of heartache and trouble. I get so flustered when I hear things that could easily be explained away putting the best construction on a situation or simply asking the person who upset you what was going on. I can't stand it when tempers and anger take control of a situation instead of rational thought and understanding. Too many people nowadays look only to themselves and how they are victimized by other and how they can use that to get the best of every situation no matter what the cost is to anyone else. I have seen this done in churches, in the workplace, in charities, in the government, and business places. It would make the world a much better place if we stopped for one second in a situation that upsets us and think about it for a while. Perhaps there is a good explanation just waiting to be explored. Perhaps forgiveness is better than anger.
Don't get me wrong, there are times when things are wrong and situations have to be handled to the end that the wrong is righted, but not every time. The fact is, we can't always have our own way and hurting anyone and everyone who gets in our way on our path to self-gratification is simply wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~Rant mode: off~~~~~~~~~~~
Return to your regularly scheduled blogging now.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Writer's Block
I have been looking at my blog from time to time, wondering what I should write here. Should I do something serious or something funny? And every time I start, I decide I don't like what I have and erase the whole thing only to start again. It's been frustrating. However, I guess that means there's a bit of good news in that.
My anxiety seems to be under control for the moment. There have been no anxiety outbursts, no panic attacks, no sleepless nights from worry. I can't say that life is stress free, but it certainly isn't out of control, either. I thank God for that. It's nice to have an up time to stop and smell the roses (and then have the good ole allergies kick in!)
My parents are going to come and see me at the beginning of July. I am looking forward to that immensely! I haven't really got to see them since Sept. of '06. Sure, I saw them for my younger brother's wedding and the Wheeler family reunion, but I didn't really get to spend any time with them. I have already asked for time off and plan on spending every waking minute possible with them. It's gunna be awesome!
So, I guess my writer's block is solved by saying "all's well!" in dcepegasus land. That's a pretty good place to be!
My anxiety seems to be under control for the moment. There have been no anxiety outbursts, no panic attacks, no sleepless nights from worry. I can't say that life is stress free, but it certainly isn't out of control, either. I thank God for that. It's nice to have an up time to stop and smell the roses (and then have the good ole allergies kick in!)
My parents are going to come and see me at the beginning of July. I am looking forward to that immensely! I haven't really got to see them since Sept. of '06. Sure, I saw them for my younger brother's wedding and the Wheeler family reunion, but I didn't really get to spend any time with them. I have already asked for time off and plan on spending every waking minute possible with them. It's gunna be awesome!
So, I guess my writer's block is solved by saying "all's well!" in dcepegasus land. That's a pretty good place to be!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Awesome Book Headed to Publication
For a while now, I Trust When Dark My Road has been on my blog links. Well, awesomely enough, the title of that blog has now also become a title for a book, set to be published this July. It is well worth your time and you get a free copy! Ordering information is available on the blog website. Check it out!
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