What to Do When You Can't Do Anything Else

I'm an easy one to peg in a tough situation. I am the worrier. I worry about everything. From how people are going to react to the logistics of what the outcome of the situation might be, I worry. I worry about things that never cross most people's minds. Let there be no doubt about this. This type of worry is a sin. What's worse, there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Oh, I can read the self-help books. I can get stubborn and decide it's not going to bother me. I can dig my heels in and use every technique I have learned to help myself get through it. However, when all of these are said and done, they are merely coping strategies. They are things to ease me out of the tangled mess I get myself into internally each time I worry about what is happening in the world around me. The truth is, the moment I worry and take the situation out of God's hands and try to do something about it, even by just worrying about it, I have sinned. It has become second nature to me to do so in every stressful situation. Scratch that, it was first nature to begin with according to my old Adam. I was born this way- blind, dead, and an enemy of God. My worry may be how that particular reality manifests itself, but it is a sin. The wages of sin is death, the Lord says (Romans 6:23).

That seems very accurate for my worry, too. When I get the old anxiety motor revving, I feel rather dead inside. I want to do something to fix that feeling too, but I can't. Again, I can work to overcome it eventually, but at its core when it first starts, I am powerless. It's just there. It's sickening and hard and I can't just wave my hand and make it go away.

That's the start of the blessing about this disease, however. If I could wave my hand and make it go away, I might get cocky about it. I might just think that if I can cure myself of this anxiety, I might be able to do other things, like cure myself of sin. After all, my particular brand of sin, namely anxiety and worry, is still just as sinful as other things that people struggle with in their lives. So, by not being able to cure myself at the root, like I would like to, I have to rely on something outside of myself to make me right inside.

So, off I go to the hospital I go, where I receive the medicine to cure my ailing flesh. It is a weekly thing for me and I cannot even really take credit for going, for if He hadn't called me to be His own, I think I would still be trying to cure my anxiety apart from Him through some other means. The hospital is the Church, where I receive forgiveness of sins, life, and salvation. The medicine is the Medicine of Immortality, namely Christ's body and blood, given to me in, with, and under the bread and wine in Holy Communion. I was called by Him in my baptism, where He marked me as His own through ordinary water and the Word of God.

Where I drown in the weight of my sin, including anxiety, God plucks me from the murky waters and crowns me as a princess in His kingdom. He works through things like self- help books, psychologists, medicine, and His pastors to give me a glimpse of what has already happened to me that I cannot fully see yet. The anxiety has already been overcome. I have been made whole again already by Christ's death on the cross. I know it is true and that I will have an anxiety free body and life in heaven because Christ rose from the dead and I, too, shall rise again, and with all the saints, live sin free, anxiety free, and worry free in heaven with my God forever.

What I Have Come to Appreciate

It has been a hard first three years of marriage for Tim and I. There were times when we weren't sure if we were going to financially make it. There were times where the tension could be cut with a knife in the Schellenbach household. Some of it was our fault, some of it happened to us. Regardless, I am content.

I am content with who I married. Tim is a wonderful man with a good Christian heart. He is loving, supportive, and wants to do what is best for me no matter what the cost to him. He has worked to understand me and grown to love the parts about me that I don't like. He is patient with me through my anxiety and works to help me through it whenever he can. Honey, I couldn't ask for anyone better and I look forward to growing old with you!

I appreciate all that God has given me. He has helped me understand the value of money and what it important. For a shop-a-holic, it was a great lesson to learn. I learned to enjoy the little things that I could work for and appreciate more deeply than if I bought it flippantly and didn't invest time in it. Something as simple as a new purse or watch is something that brings me so much happiness because I know that I worked hard and earned it well.

I have learned that there is a life outside of TV and movies. There are birds to play with (lots at my house!) who are well worth the time spent. God blessed me with these birds so that when my husband isn't home, I am never alone. They sing to me, take care of me, and keep me company. Daffy, a bird I have had for eight years now, even licks the tears off my face when I cry and Cinnamon won't leave my side when I am sick even to take care of herself. If it wasn't for how my life was turned completely upside down three years ago, I might not have never known these things.

There is so much to be appreciative about in my life that I can't list it all without filling up the entire internet bandwith! The summary of it all can be: Thanks be to God to all the blessings He has given me!

Perception and the Eight Commandment

~~~~~~~Warning: Rant Mode ON ~~~~~~~~

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the connection between perception and the Eighth Commandment. I can't help but think that if Christians would view things in a more Christ-like manner, we would save lots of heartache and trouble. I get so flustered when I hear things that could easily be explained away putting the best construction on a situation or simply asking the person who upset you what was going on. I can't stand it when tempers and anger take control of a situation instead of rational thought and understanding. Too many people nowadays look only to themselves and how they are victimized by other and how they can use that to get the best of every situation no matter what the cost is to anyone else. I have seen this done in churches, in the workplace, in charities, in the government, and business places. It would make the world a much better place if we stopped for one second in a situation that upsets us and think about it for a while. Perhaps there is a good explanation just waiting to be explored. Perhaps forgiveness is better than anger.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when things are wrong and situations have to be handled to the end that the wrong is righted, but not every time. The fact is, we can't always have our own way and hurting anyone and everyone who gets in our way on our path to self-gratification is simply wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~Rant mode: off~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to your regularly scheduled blogging now.

Writer's Block

I have been looking at my blog from time to time, wondering what I should write here. Should I do something serious or something funny? And every time I start, I decide I don't like what I have and erase the whole thing only to start again. It's been frustrating. However, I guess that means there's a bit of good news in that.

My anxiety seems to be under control for the moment. There have been no anxiety outbursts, no panic attacks, no sleepless nights from worry. I can't say that life is stress free, but it certainly isn't out of control, either. I thank God for that. It's nice to have an up time to stop and smell the roses (and then have the good ole allergies kick in!)

My parents are going to come and see me at the beginning of July. I am looking forward to that immensely! I haven't really got to see them since Sept. of '06. Sure, I saw them for my younger brother's wedding and the Wheeler family reunion, but I didn't really get to spend any time with them. I have already asked for time off and plan on spending every waking minute possible with them. It's gunna be awesome!

So, I guess my writer's block is solved by saying "all's well!" in dcepegasus land. That's a pretty good place to be!

Awesome Book Headed to Publication

For a while now, I Trust When Dark My Road has been on my blog links. Well, awesomely enough, the title of that blog has now also become a title for a book, set to be published this July. It is well worth your time and you get a free copy! Ordering information is available on the blog website. Check it out!

Tears and My Baptism

It has been a really hard week for me. I won't go into it. It doesn't matter. It's just been hard. There have been lots of tears, frustrations, anger, and sadness. I can't say my anxiety went off the handle, but I am sure that it plays a part somewhere in all of those emotions. However, all of this stuff pales in comparison to what I still have. Yeah, things are tough right now and hard to go through, but my baptism is still valid. In fact, God has a great reminder for us that our baptism is still valid built in to our own reaction to pain. Tears, as they wash over our face and cover our face in that salt water, also remind us of our washing and rebirth in baptism, where we were clothed in Christ. Even in pain, God points us to Him, to where He has promised to be, namely Word and Sacraments. It's kind of awesome that a God who has gone through what we have gone through also gives us reminders of His goodness and mercy.

No, it's not magic, and my week won't suddenly get all sunny and happy, but the reassurance of the forgiveness of sins, life, and salvation is all I need to get through it.

Hunger and Thirst for the Sacrament

It's never fun to have an anxiety attack. I hate it when they happen. To make it worse, I had one in church on Sunday. What a place to have anxiety! The walls that have heard the words "Fear not. Be still and know that I am God," became witness to my sweaty palms, racing heart, and rapid breathing. My mind kept wandering to the coping strategies that help curb what was going on within me. Except, what was going on around me was exactly what I needed. When I turn to the strategies of reading the Word, I realized that I can find that in the Divine Service I was sitting though in that moment. Whether it is during the liturgy, the readings, and the prayers. The beginning of the service begins with the Invocation, as did my life in Christ at my baptism. Just in case I doubt that my sins are forgiven, the forgiveness of sins is pronounced in corporate confession and absolution.

However, my eyes focused on the Sacrament of the Altar. The medicine of immortality, as my pastor has said to me. Is it some sort of magic that would instantly fix my anxiety? No, not unless God willed it for me in that moment, but that was not what I was asking for anyhow. I wasn't looking for a miracle for my frail flesh, because I know what goes on there goes way past the moment of suffering I am going through. One fear that always gets me in my anxiety attacks is the fear of death, of either myself or my loved ones, and the Sacrament that I and my loved ones partake of is the Medicine of everlasting life.

My greatest fear has been defeated by Christ and given to me as a gift in my mouth and into my body. My broken, fearful self has perfection given to me in my body. I know that there is no merit or worthiness in me. Especially in the moment of anxiety, I know that it is all gift because there is nothing I can do to fix me. It must come from outside of me.

I found myself craving the Sacrament sitting in the pew. As I waited for the Service of the Sacrament, I heard the words of Christ assuring me that He was the Good Shepherd. That He is there to take care of me, when things are going well and when my anxiety is at its worst. During the sermon, my eyes looked to the crucifix, standing above the place where the Sacrament was found. It reminded me of exactly what I was getting in the Sacrament, that is, the very body and blood of Christ in, with, and under the bread and wine.

The Sacrament, which I may not see the full effects now but will definitely see when I am in Christ's kingdom in heaven, reassures me that I will not always be this way. I will be whole in heaven!! When I take part of the Eucharist, I get a foretaste of what is to come. For now, I must see it through the eyes of faith, but in heaven, I will see it with my own two eyes standing in the presence of God Almighty, who is my Good Shepherd and has taken such good care of me while I sojourn on earth.