Easy question, tough answer. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder a little over a decade ago. Refining it, there are elements of depression, OCD, panic disorder, and the like in my diagnosis. At first glace, it is overwhelming, scary, and something to be, well, anxious about. Ten years down the road, multiple medication therapies, and a couple of well paid doctors later, shouldn't I be cured? Isn't this something that I should be able to look back on and say, "Yup, that was a tough time, glad that's over with. Next?"
Don't I wish. As much as I can proudly say that it is controlled, it is far from over. Tried to cut my daily dose of medication in half- that flopped. I was right back to a basket case within a few days. Managed to pretty much cut out my benzodiazepines (Ativan, Restoril) but I can't say I am cured. A little visualization therapy and dig into my handy dandy bag of helps (calling someone, cleaning something, doing something for someone else) when I feel an attack coming on usually fixes it, but the fact that I still have these feelings, does that mean I am a failure?
Then there is the people that get hurt because of my disorder. Either they feel like I don't trust them or I say or do something that I might otherwise think better of when my brain is working normally but can't seem to fix when I am in that anxiety state. Can I just chalk that up to my disorder or do I have to own up to it? Perhaps a little of both? Why am I not cured enough to stop this anyhow?
I wish there was a cure. Take ten days worth of antibiotics and call back if it doesn't work and you need something stronger. The fact is, there really isn't a cure. Just remission. For a lot of people, that isn't good enough. Honestly, for me, it is a matter of perspective.
From the perspective of God, everything I do is sinful. My waking times, my sleeping times, the times that I am at my "best" and the times I am at my "worst" are no different. I was born sinful. I commit sins now and have in the past. Odds are, I will in the future as well. The things that stem from my disorder, the things that have nothing to do with the disorder, and anything in between, are all damnable by God because no matter the excuse, they are still offensive. Praise be to God that I am saved through the washing and rebirth of Baptism, where Christ's saving death and resurrection were poured on me and I became a princess in the Kingdom of God. Cure or no cure, this is still reality- and I praise God for this reality!
This is what my perspective personally is based on. Cure or no cure, reason for sin or just random acts of sinfulness, it all must be viewed through the cross of Christ. My anxiety is a violation of the First Commandment directly- fear that God cannot protect me from the evils of this life, even if I don't outwardly do anything to protect myself, is sin. Can I train myself to say a prayer instead of being anxious? Could that eventually turn into a habit that circumvents my anxiety in some way? Sure. Is that a cure? Uh, no. That's remission. That's a way to deal with it but it doesn't make the baseline problem go away. It just aids in controlling it so that symptoms are all but invisible. However, I still have to guard against the anxiety coming back. Crazy as it may sound, I could give myself a panic attack about forgetting the prayer and making it into a god of its own, thinking that the "cure" for this particular anxiety is in the prayer and not the One to Whom the prayer is addressed.
Truthfully, something that has been a part of my life for ten years isn't going to go away. It can be controlled, guarded against, and put into remission where I barely notice it, but I have been changed by it and always run the risk of going back to those early times when I was untreated and a wreck.
So, how do I live knowing that this isn't something that will ever go away? Can't this create a depressive episode on its own? Not with the right perspective. I am forgiven. That's right, it's not that this disorder doesn't matter, it's that it's already been paid for 2,000 years ago at Golgatha. My anxiety now, in the past, and in the future, are all covered by Jesus' blood. So, as it were, I am cured, because the life saving Christ who gives me His Body and His Blood to drink in the Holy Supper gives me the antidote against death (read also, anxiety, depression, and the whole list of other sins that separate us from God). But, just like that big life stuff cure that cures sins that are stemming from my disorder and those that aren't, I won't see it until eternal life. Does that make me crave the words, "Thy kingdom come", a bit more? Sure, but that is also in God's time. So how do I live with it now, hrm... stay tuned for part two.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Some Thoughts on Working the Community Pharmacy Part 2
Drive thru in pharmacy can be the biggest help and the biggest pain all in one package. The idea is that you don't have to get out of your car, walk inside the building, go to the back of the store, get your prescriptions, and walk back. This is especially helpful for those who have difficulty walking, have a very contagious disease, or have another condition that would make getting into the store a difficult task. The biggest trouble with drive thru is that many people equate faster service to instant service. The time saver has more to do with the aspect of parking the car, going into the store and so on. Drive thru doesn't mean that the prescription bag will be ready and waiting in hand the moment you drive up or even soon thereafter. The same issues one could face coming in the pharmacy building are ones that will be dealt with at the pharmacy drive thru.
Insurance will always be a constant. Insurance changes with job changes, yearly enrollment, life changes, and other more minor events. It will always have to be updated. These issues can crop up without warning and often do, which is why it is impossible for anyone to predict when they come in or go through drive thru that their issue may take some time to resolve. Thus, it doesn't make sense to say that people who have insurance issues should come inside, because you can't exactly plan for this. Neither is it fair for those who have insurance issues to come inside. They have their reasons for going through drive thru and theirs, like everyone else's, should be respected.
Sometimes the pharmacist needs to go over the medication with the patient. At times that can be in great detail and take a great deal of time. Drive thru doesn't mean poor patient education nor does it mean that the patient already knows about their medication. They have the right to the same treatment in drive thru as they do if they come inside.
With that understanding, there are a few things that people must understand when they go through drive thru.
*Medication is an important part of improving and maintaining good health. However, all medication comes with risks and those risks are lessened with good patient education about the medication. As such, please refrain from using a cell phone, blasting loud music, or being too distracted by the passengers in the car to actually listen to the pharmacist. Not only is it rude, but it can also be potentially dangerous.
*If you don't want your health information shared with everyone in the car, either come inside where you can have a one on one with the pharmacist or come alone to pick up your medication. We try to keep the speaker sound down enough that only the car next to the speaker can listen in on the conversation, but we can't just limit it to the driver's seat- there's no way to keep the rest of the car from listening in to the conversation.
*Be patient. As previously mentioned, faster doesn't mean instant. The medication has to be located, rang up on the register, and the pharmacist must counsel, that's the law. Refill, new ones, doesn't matter. Patience is key in making the experience pleasant and as easy as possible.
Insurance will always be a constant. Insurance changes with job changes, yearly enrollment, life changes, and other more minor events. It will always have to be updated. These issues can crop up without warning and often do, which is why it is impossible for anyone to predict when they come in or go through drive thru that their issue may take some time to resolve. Thus, it doesn't make sense to say that people who have insurance issues should come inside, because you can't exactly plan for this. Neither is it fair for those who have insurance issues to come inside. They have their reasons for going through drive thru and theirs, like everyone else's, should be respected.
Sometimes the pharmacist needs to go over the medication with the patient. At times that can be in great detail and take a great deal of time. Drive thru doesn't mean poor patient education nor does it mean that the patient already knows about their medication. They have the right to the same treatment in drive thru as they do if they come inside.
With that understanding, there are a few things that people must understand when they go through drive thru.
*Medication is an important part of improving and maintaining good health. However, all medication comes with risks and those risks are lessened with good patient education about the medication. As such, please refrain from using a cell phone, blasting loud music, or being too distracted by the passengers in the car to actually listen to the pharmacist. Not only is it rude, but it can also be potentially dangerous.
*If you don't want your health information shared with everyone in the car, either come inside where you can have a one on one with the pharmacist or come alone to pick up your medication. We try to keep the speaker sound down enough that only the car next to the speaker can listen in on the conversation, but we can't just limit it to the driver's seat- there's no way to keep the rest of the car from listening in to the conversation.
*Be patient. As previously mentioned, faster doesn't mean instant. The medication has to be located, rang up on the register, and the pharmacist must counsel, that's the law. Refill, new ones, doesn't matter. Patience is key in making the experience pleasant and as easy as possible.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Some Thoughts on Working the Community Pharmacy
I love my job. I do. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I get to help people feel better and be the liaison between them and their insurance company to make sure they get the medications they need when they need it. I am the eyes and ears for the pharmacist whilst checking them out at the register to make sure that I note and mention to the pharmacist any OTC purchases that might interfere with the Rx meds the patient just picked up.
However, just like any job, there are frustrations. A pharmacy is not a fast food joint slopping medications together and putting them in bottles as if each one was the same. Even the "simplest" medications to fill have checks and balances that last (at minimum) fifteen minutes. What would that be? How hard can it be? Let me try to explain simply a process that is anything but simple.
0-7 minutes: Locate patient in database. Make sure information on script about patient matches the patient located in database. Scan in hard copy of the script into the computer under the patient's name. Type script into the form on the computer (check with pharmacist when in doubt of handwriting!!) Submit to insurance company. If insurance company rejects, research why- refill too soon, submission code clarification, needs a diagnosis code, insurance is expired, medication needs a prior authorization in order to be covered, insurance will only cover so many pills in a given time, insurance doesn't cover the medication at all, or any number of random odds and ends that aren't so common. Issues can double on multiple insurances. Send to pharmacist once insurance issue has been resolved, if any.
7-12 minutes: Pharmacist reviews typed work. Checks to make sure all fields are entered in correctly matching it up against the hard copy. Pharmacist checks medication against patient's known allergies, other medications that could cause an interaction, as well as any health conditions that may cause a problem with the medication. Once this is complete, the medication leaflet is printed and the filling process can begin.
12-14 minutes: Medication leaflet is printed and the filling technician locates the medication on the pharmacy shelves and counts out the medication. It can be "easy" with 30 or less, but a technician can see quantities of 200 or more. Specially controlled medications require the pills to be counted twice. Medication is placed in a tote with the leaflet and sent to the pharmacist.
14-15 minutes: Pharmacist verifies that the medication chosen is correct through visual inspection of the medication. Notes are placed in the computer or even on the leaflet if the pharmacist wants to double check information with the patient before dispensing the medication.
Fifteen minutes later, if there are no hiccups or special circumstances, the medication is ready to be sold to the patient. It's amazing, really, that the process doesn't take more time.
However, just like any job, there are frustrations. A pharmacy is not a fast food joint slopping medications together and putting them in bottles as if each one was the same. Even the "simplest" medications to fill have checks and balances that last (at minimum) fifteen minutes. What would that be? How hard can it be? Let me try to explain simply a process that is anything but simple.
0-7 minutes: Locate patient in database. Make sure information on script about patient matches the patient located in database. Scan in hard copy of the script into the computer under the patient's name. Type script into the form on the computer (check with pharmacist when in doubt of handwriting!!) Submit to insurance company. If insurance company rejects, research why- refill too soon, submission code clarification, needs a diagnosis code, insurance is expired, medication needs a prior authorization in order to be covered, insurance will only cover so many pills in a given time, insurance doesn't cover the medication at all, or any number of random odds and ends that aren't so common. Issues can double on multiple insurances. Send to pharmacist once insurance issue has been resolved, if any.
7-12 minutes: Pharmacist reviews typed work. Checks to make sure all fields are entered in correctly matching it up against the hard copy. Pharmacist checks medication against patient's known allergies, other medications that could cause an interaction, as well as any health conditions that may cause a problem with the medication. Once this is complete, the medication leaflet is printed and the filling process can begin.
12-14 minutes: Medication leaflet is printed and the filling technician locates the medication on the pharmacy shelves and counts out the medication. It can be "easy" with 30 or less, but a technician can see quantities of 200 or more. Specially controlled medications require the pills to be counted twice. Medication is placed in a tote with the leaflet and sent to the pharmacist.
14-15 minutes: Pharmacist verifies that the medication chosen is correct through visual inspection of the medication. Notes are placed in the computer or even on the leaflet if the pharmacist wants to double check information with the patient before dispensing the medication.
Fifteen minutes later, if there are no hiccups or special circumstances, the medication is ready to be sold to the patient. It's amazing, really, that the process doesn't take more time.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Researching Death
As part of my continuing education to keep my PTCB certification, I did a packet of CE's on stem cell research. Granted, this was an "older" packet, dating back to 2008, but the issues raised in my mind are still very relevant today. The basic questions are still asked, "When does life really begin?", "Can we justify killing one person to save another?", and the like, but this time while reading the packet, more came to mind than just that.
Although stem cell research has become the hot button issue in the medical and pharmaceutical industries as of late, I think it starts before that. I think it starts where they say they get their supply. In Vitro Fertilization clinics (IVFC) are where the supply of frozen embryos come from that they then extract and research the stem cells. I think the ethics might start even before that, but for my purposes, that is where I will start. I am still not quite sure why a frozen person is allowed to sit in a freezer for months or even years at a time and the claim is that they are not needed. I know I wouldn't be particularly fond of it if someone put me away until they needed me quite like that.
Then there is the question of why the embryonic stem cells. Unless one wants to make some sort of a political statement, it occurs to me that perhaps the best course of action when something is this controversial is to refrain from using what is controversial. Adult stem cells have shown promise and at the very least might unlock secrets important to the research into stem cells. At the best, it could provide the very fulfillment of the promise that embryonic stem cells seem to hold. The point is, why not try the path of least resistance first? Why not research the adult cells to the furthest they can be and then analyze that? Not that I am saying that the end result would be the death of more innocent children at the hands of "science", but it seems like the possibility has been dismissed because the embryonic stem cells show more promise. Even if that is true, at what cost?
Then there is the even bigger questions that surround this debate. By what standards are ethics judged? Who gets to decide how morals are judged? Why is it okay to question religion and not science? That's one that particularly gets me. Science has been proven wrong- the world isn't flat and you can't fall off the end of it. The earth is not the center of the universe and all the other heavenly bodies don't orbit around it. Science should be weighed equal to religion in this: there needs to be the realization that science can be wrong- science has failed humankind. During the 1918 flu epidemic, a leading scientist theorized that the flu was caused by a bacterial agent and not a virus, and began treating patients with antibiotic medication. The treatment was obviously not effective and a significant portion of the world population was depleted.
If the claim can be used that religion merely misleads people into thinking or believing a fairy tale, the claim should also rightly be used that science has done the same. Yes, science is still growing, and still learning and progressing, however, the theories we are sure are correct today may be laughed at in a few centuries as easily as we dismiss the idea that the earth is flat today. This debate should not have the scales tipped to the side of science because it can be proven. If it was all proven, they wouldn't call it "theory" or "hypothesis" and those words are definitely not synonyms for "fact".
Although stem cell research has become the hot button issue in the medical and pharmaceutical industries as of late, I think it starts before that. I think it starts where they say they get their supply. In Vitro Fertilization clinics (IVFC) are where the supply of frozen embryos come from that they then extract and research the stem cells. I think the ethics might start even before that, but for my purposes, that is where I will start. I am still not quite sure why a frozen person is allowed to sit in a freezer for months or even years at a time and the claim is that they are not needed. I know I wouldn't be particularly fond of it if someone put me away until they needed me quite like that.
Then there is the question of why the embryonic stem cells. Unless one wants to make some sort of a political statement, it occurs to me that perhaps the best course of action when something is this controversial is to refrain from using what is controversial. Adult stem cells have shown promise and at the very least might unlock secrets important to the research into stem cells. At the best, it could provide the very fulfillment of the promise that embryonic stem cells seem to hold. The point is, why not try the path of least resistance first? Why not research the adult cells to the furthest they can be and then analyze that? Not that I am saying that the end result would be the death of more innocent children at the hands of "science", but it seems like the possibility has been dismissed because the embryonic stem cells show more promise. Even if that is true, at what cost?
Then there is the even bigger questions that surround this debate. By what standards are ethics judged? Who gets to decide how morals are judged? Why is it okay to question religion and not science? That's one that particularly gets me. Science has been proven wrong- the world isn't flat and you can't fall off the end of it. The earth is not the center of the universe and all the other heavenly bodies don't orbit around it. Science should be weighed equal to religion in this: there needs to be the realization that science can be wrong- science has failed humankind. During the 1918 flu epidemic, a leading scientist theorized that the flu was caused by a bacterial agent and not a virus, and began treating patients with antibiotic medication. The treatment was obviously not effective and a significant portion of the world population was depleted.
If the claim can be used that religion merely misleads people into thinking or believing a fairy tale, the claim should also rightly be used that science has done the same. Yes, science is still growing, and still learning and progressing, however, the theories we are sure are correct today may be laughed at in a few centuries as easily as we dismiss the idea that the earth is flat today. This debate should not have the scales tipped to the side of science because it can be proven. If it was all proven, they wouldn't call it "theory" or "hypothesis" and those words are definitely not synonyms for "fact".
Monday, August 9, 2010
Frustrations and Triumphs
Well, about a month ago, Walgreens laid me off as a PhT. I can't help but be frustrated at it. They have done great to take care of me, though. They got me a job at less pay at the front end so that I could still make ends meet and have worked hard to keep me up to date on when call backs are happening, which is great because I truly miss being in the pharmacy. The good news related to that is that I took my CPhT test three days after they laid me off and got a 867 out of 900, with passing being a 650. Now I can sign my name with a CPhT at the end if I wanted to! :) I am a nerd, I'll admit it.
I am still waiting for my dh to get a full time call so that he can get on with his career and we can move on from this drawn out chapter of him working at Walmart. Don't get me wrong, they have been good to him, too, but it's definitely not what he wants to do with his life. I am hoping that with the election of Pr. Matt Harrison to the LCMS presidency that he can work to help those who have unfairly been removed from their calls as pastors and can work to put them back into the Synod by bringing light to this injustice and reassuring congregations that these are good men in bad circumstances who deserve a "second chance" as a full time pastor. By God's grace, our feelings of exile will soon come to an end.
I am still waiting for my dh to get a full time call so that he can get on with his career and we can move on from this drawn out chapter of him working at Walmart. Don't get me wrong, they have been good to him, too, but it's definitely not what he wants to do with his life. I am hoping that with the election of Pr. Matt Harrison to the LCMS presidency that he can work to help those who have unfairly been removed from their calls as pastors and can work to put them back into the Synod by bringing light to this injustice and reassuring congregations that these are good men in bad circumstances who deserve a "second chance" as a full time pastor. By God's grace, our feelings of exile will soon come to an end.
Friday, June 25, 2010
A Little Heartache...
I miss my family. Every day I think about them and I hope that they are okay. I wish I could see them and be with them every day. However, that is not where God has us. They are scattered among many different states and there are miles between us, but that doesn't keep them far from my heart. My folks are coming to see me in a few days. I haven't seen them in a year. It will be good to talk and laugh and tell stories and enjoy the bonds that God gave us many years ago. I am hoping to see my older brother, his wife and kids in a few weeks. I haven't seen them in a couple of years, which is way too long for me. The kids have gotten so big, I am sure. My little brother and his wife are expecting. I haven't seen them since their wedding, and really then I didn't get to spend that much time with them. I was merely a support character in the background of their big day. In fact, I was so involved taking care of my niece and nephew that I am not sure I ever made it into any of the pictures! I just hope they know how much I love them and how special they are to me. Family is a wonderful gift from God.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Do They Add Up?
I have been looking over the numbers that I was able to glean from the CSL and CTS websites regarding placement. (There is a key to the abbreviations at the bottom of the page.)
CSL placement list
CTS placement list
Here's what I found:
Furthermore, I also analyzed the number of candidates from each seminary placed into each district. The first number represents the CSL M.Div and A.R. candidates. The second number represents the CTS M.Div and A.R. candidates.
Key:
M.Div = Master of Divinity
A.R. = Alternate Route
CCMC = Cross Cultural Ministry Center
CHS = Center for Hispanic Studies
CSL = Concordia St. Louis
CTS = Concordia Theological Seminary (Fort Wayne)
DELTO = Distance Education Leading To Ordination
EIIT = Ethnic Immigrant Institute of Theology
CSL placement list
CTS placement list
Here's what I found:
- CSL M.Div and A.R. candidates placed: 88
- CTS M.Div and A.R. candidates placed: 40
- CSL M.Div and A.R. candidates awaiting placement: 4
- CTS M.Div and A.R. candidates awaiting placement: 21
- CSL CCMC, CHS, DELTO, and EIIT candidates placed: 28
- CSL CCMC, CHS, DELTO, and EIIT candidates awaiting placement: 5
Furthermore, I also analyzed the number of candidates from each seminary placed into each district. The first number represents the CSL M.Div and A.R. candidates. The second number represents the CTS M.Div and A.R. candidates.
- Atlantic: 1-0
- California-Nevada-Hawaii: 3-0
- Central Illinois: 3-1
- Eastern: 0-1
- English: 2-1
- Florida-Georgia: 2-1
- Indiana: 0-4
- Iowa East: 0-2
- Iowa West: 4-3
- Kansas: 2-2
- Michigan: 5-6
- Mid-South: 1-0
- Minnesota North: 4-1
- Minnesota South: 5-0
- Missouri: 5-1
- Montana: 2-0
- Nebraska: 5-1
- New England: 1-0
- New Jersey: 0-0
- North Dakota: 0-2
- North Wisconsin: 3-2
- Northern Illinois: 4-1
- Northwest: 7-0
- Ohio: 3-1
- Oklahoma: 0-1
- Pacific Southwest: 4-0
- Rocky Mountain: 1-1
- SELC: 1-0
- South Dakota: 3-2
- South Wisconsin: 5-0
- Southeastern: 4-0
- Southern: 1-1
- Southern Illinois: 2-1
- Texas: 5-3
- Wyoming: 0-1
- Eastern (1)
- Indiana (4)
- Iowa East (2)
- North Dakota (2)
- Oklahoma (1)
- Wyoming (1)
- Atlantic (1)
- California-Nevada-Hawaii (3)
- Mid-South (1)
- Minnesota South (5)
- Montana (2)
- New England (1)
- Northwest (7)
- Pacific Southwest (4)
- SELC (1)
- South Wisconsin (5)
- Southeastern (4)
- New Jersey
- Eastern (2)
- New Jersey (1)
Key:
M.Div = Master of Divinity
A.R. = Alternate Route
CCMC = Cross Cultural Ministry Center
CHS = Center for Hispanic Studies
CSL = Concordia St. Louis
CTS = Concordia Theological Seminary (Fort Wayne)
DELTO = Distance Education Leading To Ordination
EIIT = Ethnic Immigrant Institute of Theology
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Why do we do the things we do?
Traditions and rituals are passed down from generation to generation for a reason. Often these are honored and revered but just as often they are objects of ridicule because it appears that those who follow them are unwilling or unable to change. Those who want to try to recreate the Christmas of their childhood are looked upon with understanding and love as they try to recapture their youth while those who participate in a church using the same liturgy passed down from the centuries are seen as old fashioned and stubborn. Why is that?
Why is it that the liturgy is such an important part of being a Confessional Lutheran? Well, you can leave it to the pastors to tell you the reasons why it is formed the way that it is. You can hear how it is rooted in the Scriptures, that it follows a pattern leading up to Communion, and that it is set in a way that teaches us about God's goodness every step of the way. But that isn't all. There is more that is very basic and simple.
Liturgy is Scriptures put to song. When you are teaching young children, you sing to them to help them learn. This includes the ABCs, learning the days of the week, and many other things. The same is true of the liturgy. Singing the same thing every week helps memorize and put to heart those things which we need to know. Anyone who has tried to sit down and memorize the Bible will find it a insurmountable task. However, we know more Scriptures than we think just by singing them every Sunday. To change that, to eliminate that, would be to take away a great teaching tool from the people of God. Others might think that it is boring and mundane, but then again, they need to learn what is going on. Passed down from the generations, rekindled at the Reformation, and brought to the Americas from the German language, the liturgy in the form that it is has taught God's people about God's grace and mercy four countless generations. These same Scriptures put to song in the liturgy come to mind in some of the roughest situations to remind us of God's grace and mercy. Humming tunes through the day (especially when they get stuck in our heads) helps bring the remembrance of the Scriptures in our daily lives.
The next time someone wonders aloud why I am so unwilling to change, I think I might just remind them what a treasure trove we have with the liturgy and why it is too good to give up for something that doesn't compare.
Why is it that the liturgy is such an important part of being a Confessional Lutheran? Well, you can leave it to the pastors to tell you the reasons why it is formed the way that it is. You can hear how it is rooted in the Scriptures, that it follows a pattern leading up to Communion, and that it is set in a way that teaches us about God's goodness every step of the way. But that isn't all. There is more that is very basic and simple.
Liturgy is Scriptures put to song. When you are teaching young children, you sing to them to help them learn. This includes the ABCs, learning the days of the week, and many other things. The same is true of the liturgy. Singing the same thing every week helps memorize and put to heart those things which we need to know. Anyone who has tried to sit down and memorize the Bible will find it a insurmountable task. However, we know more Scriptures than we think just by singing them every Sunday. To change that, to eliminate that, would be to take away a great teaching tool from the people of God. Others might think that it is boring and mundane, but then again, they need to learn what is going on. Passed down from the generations, rekindled at the Reformation, and brought to the Americas from the German language, the liturgy in the form that it is has taught God's people about God's grace and mercy four countless generations. These same Scriptures put to song in the liturgy come to mind in some of the roughest situations to remind us of God's grace and mercy. Humming tunes through the day (especially when they get stuck in our heads) helps bring the remembrance of the Scriptures in our daily lives.
The next time someone wonders aloud why I am so unwilling to change, I think I might just remind them what a treasure trove we have with the liturgy and why it is too good to give up for something that doesn't compare.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Something Old, Something New (for me!)
So I have been getting my fingers into many different things lately. It is borne from trying my best to work to wean myself off of my stronger medication as well as to find things to do that isn't staring at the TV or computer screen blankly for hours at a time. I have been researching my genealogy and have found ancestors that date back to 1774 in Ireland. I am currently working on learning more about the German side of my family and how the Lutheran line was passed down. I hope I find something about that soon. It has been neat to discover things about my family and link them to historical events that I learned about in school. I think my Irish ancestors were part of the immigration to the Americas because of the Potato Famine. I haven't quite learned the reasons why the German side came to the States, but I am sure I will discover it eventually.
This research helps me feel like I am not so alone. I have all this family, some of which I never knew about, who did things like leave home across the ocean never to return again, and I complain that I am a twelve hour drive away! They managed to forge their way in frontier land and I complain that I have to live in a city where everything is established. It's kinda neat to think about and humbling to realise how much easier I have it than they did, and they survived.
To top it all off, I realize that I take communion with many of these ancestors of mine each Sunday when with angels and archangels and all the company of heaven we partake of the heavenly Feast of the Lamb. That's just awesome- the great grandparents I never met stand with me at the Table. God is just cool like that!
This research helps me feel like I am not so alone. I have all this family, some of which I never knew about, who did things like leave home across the ocean never to return again, and I complain that I am a twelve hour drive away! They managed to forge their way in frontier land and I complain that I have to live in a city where everything is established. It's kinda neat to think about and humbling to realise how much easier I have it than they did, and they survived.
To top it all off, I realize that I take communion with many of these ancestors of mine each Sunday when with angels and archangels and all the company of heaven we partake of the heavenly Feast of the Lamb. That's just awesome- the great grandparents I never met stand with me at the Table. God is just cool like that!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Necessity is the Mother of Invention
They say necessity is the mother of invention. In my case, they'd be right. Daffy, our little cinnamon pearl cockatiel has been making a nuisance of herself and started plucking her back very badly since winter started. To make matters worse, she royally scabbed up her back and was picking at the scab until it was bleeding horrible. I recognized the need for an e-collar, but was plum out and wondering how I was going to make this happen. Then it dawned on me- I have scraps of material, sew on velcro and a sewing machine. Within ten minutes, I had a reusable, washable, handy dandy e-collar that would bend and allow her to eat without getting in the way and keep her from ripping her back up and ripping off scabs that had formed. I am darn proud of myself! It works like a charm!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Wow, it's been too long since I posted...
Things have been going crazy around here from the different work schedule (I had almost forgotten how crazy retail hours are) to the studying and everything else that is going on. I didn't mean to neglect my blog, I just did! Ewps!
I have to say that I am very impressed with my anxiety levels as all of these changes have been happening. For the most part, I have been going with the flow of things and haven't really had any episodes to think about or worry about. I have been making sure to daily take stock of where I am on my anxiety and try to figure out why I have the anxiety that I do if I notice it. It has worked very well and I am very impressed with how I have handled things. Even some of the rougher situations that would normally throw me completely out of whack have been simple and easy to handle.
I started something new this week that is a little more personal, but kinda not at the same time. Lately, I have been looking into ways to save a little more money here and there so that we can stretch our dollars a little farther. One of the things that I discovered is something I would have never thought of! When Auntie Flow comes to town, I had always figured that to be a cost that I would just have to live with, so imagine my surprise when I found that there are people out there who make cloth pads! The price is a little costly at first, so I saved up my money and researched it fully for what I wanted. My initial questions like, "Will they leak?" and "Will they stain?" flooded my mind as I researched it. I finally found one that I thought would work for me and put my money down. They arrived on Sat and Auntie Flow came soon after. It was the big test, I thought, and so I dove in. And I was pleasantly surprised! No leaks. No stains. These things are amazing! The best part is I can throw them in the wash and use them again and again. Comfortable and cute and if I treat them right, something that will last for years to come. Odd thing to be giddy about, I know, but I thought I would share anyway! :)
I have to say that I am very impressed with my anxiety levels as all of these changes have been happening. For the most part, I have been going with the flow of things and haven't really had any episodes to think about or worry about. I have been making sure to daily take stock of where I am on my anxiety and try to figure out why I have the anxiety that I do if I notice it. It has worked very well and I am very impressed with how I have handled things. Even some of the rougher situations that would normally throw me completely out of whack have been simple and easy to handle.
I started something new this week that is a little more personal, but kinda not at the same time. Lately, I have been looking into ways to save a little more money here and there so that we can stretch our dollars a little farther. One of the things that I discovered is something I would have never thought of! When Auntie Flow comes to town, I had always figured that to be a cost that I would just have to live with, so imagine my surprise when I found that there are people out there who make cloth pads! The price is a little costly at first, so I saved up my money and researched it fully for what I wanted. My initial questions like, "Will they leak?" and "Will they stain?" flooded my mind as I researched it. I finally found one that I thought would work for me and put my money down. They arrived on Sat and Auntie Flow came soon after. It was the big test, I thought, and so I dove in. And I was pleasantly surprised! No leaks. No stains. These things are amazing! The best part is I can throw them in the wash and use them again and again. Comfortable and cute and if I treat them right, something that will last for years to come. Odd thing to be giddy about, I know, but I thought I would share anyway! :)
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tag! You're Identified!
Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the stuff I can do to help myself in the event of a medical emergency. Now, before you think that I am about to go off the deep end, I am not obsessing over something horrible that might happen to me, but I am thinking about the people I interact with every day. I have heard more stories about people who have had different drug interactions and allergies that have popped up that have sent them to the emergency room since I started working in the pharmacy. I do have a couple of allergies that should be documented and kept on my person just in case something goes wrong, but that's not where my thoughts ended. I started thinking about whether or not I should wear some documentation that I have an anxiety/ panic disorder.
At first I wasn't sure. Wearing some sort of a bracelet with my disorders plainly engraved on it is a definite marking. I'd be labeling myself- literally. How would people react if they saw it and saw what I was diagnosed with? How would I feel about having my diagnosis open to the public? Then I started thinking about other things. What if I was in a car accident like I was when I was first married, and I completely started freaking out. The people trying to help me would probably need to know that there was more going on than just potential injuries. Yeah, I have handled things well in the past, but what if I don't for whatever reason?
Then I started thinking even further to why I feel ashamed of my own disorder. I love the place I work. For their medical insurance, they consider mental disorders just like any other medical condition and have no limitations on doctor visits or medicine that you might need. If my own insurance company can think of it that way, why can't I? And, if it is going to help me in the event of an emergency (that I hope never happens), maybe it's not such a bad thing after all.
So, yeah, I'll wear a bracelet to help those who are trying to help me. Maybe some day it will come in handy. And if it doesn't, well, I made sure to get a rather nice one that isn't a neon sign, so it should be a pretty accessory anyhow...
At first I wasn't sure. Wearing some sort of a bracelet with my disorders plainly engraved on it is a definite marking. I'd be labeling myself- literally. How would people react if they saw it and saw what I was diagnosed with? How would I feel about having my diagnosis open to the public? Then I started thinking about other things. What if I was in a car accident like I was when I was first married, and I completely started freaking out. The people trying to help me would probably need to know that there was more going on than just potential injuries. Yeah, I have handled things well in the past, but what if I don't for whatever reason?
Then I started thinking even further to why I feel ashamed of my own disorder. I love the place I work. For their medical insurance, they consider mental disorders just like any other medical condition and have no limitations on doctor visits or medicine that you might need. If my own insurance company can think of it that way, why can't I? And, if it is going to help me in the event of an emergency (that I hope never happens), maybe it's not such a bad thing after all.
So, yeah, I'll wear a bracelet to help those who are trying to help me. Maybe some day it will come in handy. And if it doesn't, well, I made sure to get a rather nice one that isn't a neon sign, so it should be a pretty accessory anyhow...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Learning the Hard Way
"I want patience and I want it right now!"
How often have I thought that phrase when I am wanting something that I don't have yet. Whether it is the money for a new car, full knowledge of everything I need to know in my new chosen profession, or the ability to see my family across the country, I tend to ask for patience in a very impatient way. In some ways, I have never grown up from the little child who needs instant gratification for her wants and needs. Sure, I understand that I need to wait, but do I really? The way our society works doesn't help me out any either. Everything seems to be "on demand" anymore. Instant access to news, shopping, and just about everything else is a click away on the internet. Got an earache or worse, there's clinics and even ER to get help for it immediately. Then there's the 24 hour stores, including the one I work at, which can give you products and services any time of the day or night. Sure, we are taught to wait when we are little, but we never really have to learn it. Until it's something that can't be instantly granted.
Ask the person who just got out of knee surgery if they want to go on a five mile run and they'll laugh at you. They have to be patient and give their body time to heal. For a lot of us, including me, that's learning it the hard way. It is the hard way because it is out of our control; and believe me, control is a big thing with an anxiety disorder. When you are worried about something, you want to control every aspect of it to make sure it gets done. You don't want to rely on others who might let you down, you want to be the bottom line, even if that means more responsibility, at least you know it was done and done right. Now, that kind of attitude will get you pretty far in the work-a-day world, but it will get you nowhere when it comes to the things of God.
After all, if it were up to Adam and Eve, they would have been brought back to the Garden with the birth of Cain, not Jesus. Jesus Himself would have brought down the Romans and became a king on earth if the Jews had their way on how this Messiah thing would pan out. But both of those scenarios weren't God's plan. God's plan was that Adam and Eve would have to be patient about going back to Eden, and that Christ would not be the earthly King, but the Heavenly King sent to save us all from our sins and not just the Jews from the Romans.
If it were up to us now, we would be up to the same tricks in a different way. Popular culture would tell us to pray a specific prayer or pray it in a specific way. There might also be talk of taking risks to prove your faith or living your life according to the strictest rules to prove your loyalty to God and your worthiness for what you ask for. But that gets back to what we can control and in the ways of God, we know that it isn't in our best interest for us to be in control. Despite what our sinful flesh may tell us, He does know what is best for us and has the best plan in mind. So our response to things that we want that God has not granted to us yet is somewhat of an inactive role.
We can pray to God daily that He might grant us what we wish. We can do what we are able to prepare us for what we pray. We can even express our frustration and anger to God over what we do not yet have. However, we must remember that none of those things are leverage to get what we want, for God is a God of gifts. We did not earn or merit our salvation, but while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us and gave us the gift of salvation in baptism. The forgiveness of sins is given to us in, with, and under the bread and wine of Holy Communion in His body and His blood and in Holy Absolution. Then, when we feel exhausted and wonder if God really hears our plea, we must pray, "Lord, I believe! Help, thou, my unbelief!" and trust that God will gift us when and where He chooses for His glory.
How often have I thought that phrase when I am wanting something that I don't have yet. Whether it is the money for a new car, full knowledge of everything I need to know in my new chosen profession, or the ability to see my family across the country, I tend to ask for patience in a very impatient way. In some ways, I have never grown up from the little child who needs instant gratification for her wants and needs. Sure, I understand that I need to wait, but do I really? The way our society works doesn't help me out any either. Everything seems to be "on demand" anymore. Instant access to news, shopping, and just about everything else is a click away on the internet. Got an earache or worse, there's clinics and even ER to get help for it immediately. Then there's the 24 hour stores, including the one I work at, which can give you products and services any time of the day or night. Sure, we are taught to wait when we are little, but we never really have to learn it. Until it's something that can't be instantly granted.
Ask the person who just got out of knee surgery if they want to go on a five mile run and they'll laugh at you. They have to be patient and give their body time to heal. For a lot of us, including me, that's learning it the hard way. It is the hard way because it is out of our control; and believe me, control is a big thing with an anxiety disorder. When you are worried about something, you want to control every aspect of it to make sure it gets done. You don't want to rely on others who might let you down, you want to be the bottom line, even if that means more responsibility, at least you know it was done and done right. Now, that kind of attitude will get you pretty far in the work-a-day world, but it will get you nowhere when it comes to the things of God.
After all, if it were up to Adam and Eve, they would have been brought back to the Garden with the birth of Cain, not Jesus. Jesus Himself would have brought down the Romans and became a king on earth if the Jews had their way on how this Messiah thing would pan out. But both of those scenarios weren't God's plan. God's plan was that Adam and Eve would have to be patient about going back to Eden, and that Christ would not be the earthly King, but the Heavenly King sent to save us all from our sins and not just the Jews from the Romans.
If it were up to us now, we would be up to the same tricks in a different way. Popular culture would tell us to pray a specific prayer or pray it in a specific way. There might also be talk of taking risks to prove your faith or living your life according to the strictest rules to prove your loyalty to God and your worthiness for what you ask for. But that gets back to what we can control and in the ways of God, we know that it isn't in our best interest for us to be in control. Despite what our sinful flesh may tell us, He does know what is best for us and has the best plan in mind. So our response to things that we want that God has not granted to us yet is somewhat of an inactive role.
We can pray to God daily that He might grant us what we wish. We can do what we are able to prepare us for what we pray. We can even express our frustration and anger to God over what we do not yet have. However, we must remember that none of those things are leverage to get what we want, for God is a God of gifts. We did not earn or merit our salvation, but while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us and gave us the gift of salvation in baptism. The forgiveness of sins is given to us in, with, and under the bread and wine of Holy Communion in His body and His blood and in Holy Absolution. Then, when we feel exhausted and wonder if God really hears our plea, we must pray, "Lord, I believe! Help, thou, my unbelief!" and trust that God will gift us when and where He chooses for His glory.
Friday, September 11, 2009
New Beginnings
So, I started work in the pharmacy this week. It scared the crap outta me to say the least! I was so afraid of making a mistake or doing something completely wrong. However, I can say that I am grateful for technology that helps keep nasty mistakes from happening and the wonderful people who are working to train me to help keep me on my toes when the machines don't catch what mistakes I do make. It was also exhilarating! I am, indirectly, making a difference in people's lives to help them get healthy and stay healthy. Yesterday, I saw someone pick up a prescription that I had filled. She had thanks in her eyes knowing that her child was going to get well from the medicine. That was just neat to watch. I made a difference. The training is going well, even if my anxieties are high. It's hard to start a completely new profession, but I think I will be good at it, especially once I can get over the jitters.
This has caused me to think about other things lately, however. Things I need to let go of in order to move on. I don't want to admit it to myself, but I am still angry at some who have caused me to walk the path I am walking now. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would become a pharmacy technician when I was growing up. I always thought I would be a teacher. I do think this is for the best now, but I still find myself wanting to hold a grudge against those who made my path hard along the way. I need to forgive them and to be forgiven for those grudges. Some are fresher than others. Unfortunately, it's all made a little worse with my disorder because that guilt comes with anxiety and that anxiety comes with it's own physical consequences. I know it's private confession and absolution I need, but I am even scared to do that and not just because I will be confessing this grudge to another person, but because part of my fears stem from the trust needed to confess. It's not that I don't trust my father confessor- he's amazing! But I do feel that every time I trust a pastor outside of my own family, they let me down in some way. I know I need to get over that, too, but it's hard. Pray for me as I work through this. Trust is a tough path...
This has caused me to think about other things lately, however. Things I need to let go of in order to move on. I don't want to admit it to myself, but I am still angry at some who have caused me to walk the path I am walking now. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would become a pharmacy technician when I was growing up. I always thought I would be a teacher. I do think this is for the best now, but I still find myself wanting to hold a grudge against those who made my path hard along the way. I need to forgive them and to be forgiven for those grudges. Some are fresher than others. Unfortunately, it's all made a little worse with my disorder because that guilt comes with anxiety and that anxiety comes with it's own physical consequences. I know it's private confession and absolution I need, but I am even scared to do that and not just because I will be confessing this grudge to another person, but because part of my fears stem from the trust needed to confess. It's not that I don't trust my father confessor- he's amazing! But I do feel that every time I trust a pastor outside of my own family, they let me down in some way. I know I need to get over that, too, but it's hard. Pray for me as I work through this. Trust is a tough path...
Friday, September 4, 2009
It has been way too long...
I should have updated this more frequently, but I just haven't seemed to have the time. I got the Pharmacy Tech job at Walgreens and today I got my first taste in the Pharmacy. Oh, boy is it fast paced! I am sure that I won't mind soon enough, but right now it was dizzying, and I was only working the register! I have to admit that my anxiety spiked a lot and I started to worry that I made a big mistake in going into the pharm tech business. I even felt like I was going to cry! However, on my break, I began rereading I Trust When Dark My Road and was reminded to give my fears, my anxieties, my cares about this new endeavor to Christ, Who wants what is best for me and will help me through any situation, even one as scary as the first day in the Pharmacy! The second half of my shift went much better after that. In fact, by the end when I started getting the hang of my little corner of the world in the Pharmacy, I started to enjoy it. I did feel horribly overwhelmed at first. Yeah, I know about different medications, about counting tablets and capsules, but to actually be there and see what is going on- wow! Talk about information overload! I hope I helped them out in there because I sure felt like I was a horrible burden. I know the managers have been impressed with my level of learning and picking up the regular front end/register things, but I had experience with that before. I have only book learning when it comes to the pharmacy, not experience. I hope I can find a good balance and become as good at the Pharm tech thing as I am at the cashier thing.
I had to quit the Target job as it was becoming too much for me to handle. Working two jobs and trying to learn one that is major in my next career move was a little much for me. I hated to just leave without two weeks notice, but when I tried to work with them to cut hours or *something*, they didn't seem to really want to work with me. It left me no choice but to leave them high and dry for my career. I felt bad for it, but stocking shelves isn't exactly where my heart is at.
I still feel overwhelmed and scared, but my official training in the pharmacy begins on Wednesday when I can ask lots of questions and they expect me to be learning. This will be a very good thing! :) I look forward to it and I am looking forward to the challenge.
I had to quit the Target job as it was becoming too much for me to handle. Working two jobs and trying to learn one that is major in my next career move was a little much for me. I hated to just leave without two weeks notice, but when I tried to work with them to cut hours or *something*, they didn't seem to really want to work with me. It left me no choice but to leave them high and dry for my career. I felt bad for it, but stocking shelves isn't exactly where my heart is at.
I still feel overwhelmed and scared, but my official training in the pharmacy begins on Wednesday when I can ask lots of questions and they expect me to be learning. This will be a very good thing! :) I look forward to it and I am looking forward to the challenge.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Getting Along
I think I just about have the work routine down now. I still feel like I am not fast enough and have been looking at ways to improve how fast it takes me to stock an aisle. I am not sure if I take longer because I pick the aisles that are a challenge and I don't mind if there is a lot of work involved or if I am just slow. Either way, I am working towards speeding things up a bit. It takes time, but I want to be the best I can with what I have to do.
I am starting to fall behind on the cleaning again, so I need to get into gear for that. For whatever reason, I have been exhausted the last couple of days and have needed tons of sleep. Tim has a cold of some sort, so I am wondering if I battled that off with the extra sleep. No matter, it's time to clean the house again! (It never ends!!!)
I was so proud that we only spent $100 on groceries and I am confident that we can make that last about two weeks if we are careful. I have been making smoothies to curb my cravings for fresh fruit. This way I can use frozen fruit and it still tastes yummy! The fids have gotten into the bananas a couple of times. I have forgotten how much Daffy really likes to eat them! I also broke down and bought frozen veggies. I found that this was something that I couldn't do without and I am not sure how we did it before!
My anxiety is still trying to worm its way into things. I know that God is in control and that my baptism is still valid, but sometimes my sinful self wants me to fear myself to despair that things aren't going the way that I would like them to go. I have to remember that it is Thy will be done, not My will be done, but that is hard for someone who controls her anxiety by trying to control her life. God has and will continue to provide my daily bread.
Well, time to wake up the fids and get to cleaning. Lately, I have been able to put Buttercup on her back. Maybe I'll make a trick out of it! We'll see!
I am starting to fall behind on the cleaning again, so I need to get into gear for that. For whatever reason, I have been exhausted the last couple of days and have needed tons of sleep. Tim has a cold of some sort, so I am wondering if I battled that off with the extra sleep. No matter, it's time to clean the house again! (It never ends!!!)
I was so proud that we only spent $100 on groceries and I am confident that we can make that last about two weeks if we are careful. I have been making smoothies to curb my cravings for fresh fruit. This way I can use frozen fruit and it still tastes yummy! The fids have gotten into the bananas a couple of times. I have forgotten how much Daffy really likes to eat them! I also broke down and bought frozen veggies. I found that this was something that I couldn't do without and I am not sure how we did it before!
My anxiety is still trying to worm its way into things. I know that God is in control and that my baptism is still valid, but sometimes my sinful self wants me to fear myself to despair that things aren't going the way that I would like them to go. I have to remember that it is Thy will be done, not My will be done, but that is hard for someone who controls her anxiety by trying to control her life. God has and will continue to provide my daily bread.
Well, time to wake up the fids and get to cleaning. Lately, I have been able to put Buttercup on her back. Maybe I'll make a trick out of it! We'll see!
Monday, August 3, 2009
A Break from Blogging, No Break from Life
Things have gone a little crazy since I last blogged. It has been a hard couple of days. I am getting used to getting up at two thirty/ three o' clock in the morning and I seem to be more awake at that time than I am at eight at night. I do feel like I am always a step behind on my sleep, though, and going to and from Chicago hasn't helped at all. Yesterday I never really did sleep all night. I took a couple of two hour naps instead. That just didn't work for me and today I had to sleep most of the day just to "catch up".
Things have been tough since we lost Peanut. I keep expecting him to run out of the bird room, chasing Snowball, singing, or wanting to be chased. I came home from work the day after all that happened and cried my eyes out for a while. The rest of the flock has been my constant companion since that happened. While the keets have been looking for Peanut, they are also starting to spend more time around the people part of their flock. Buster's toe is on the road to recovery and I think he will be fine.
However, each day that I make it through, each day that I have my daily bread from God, I am reminded that God is ultimately in control and that He will provide for me.
Things have been tough since we lost Peanut. I keep expecting him to run out of the bird room, chasing Snowball, singing, or wanting to be chased. I came home from work the day after all that happened and cried my eyes out for a while. The rest of the flock has been my constant companion since that happened. While the keets have been looking for Peanut, they are also starting to spend more time around the people part of their flock. Buster's toe is on the road to recovery and I think he will be fine.
However, each day that I make it through, each day that I have my daily bread from God, I am reminded that God is ultimately in control and that He will provide for me.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Second Day at Target and a Rough Homecoming
This morning went pretty well. I am starting to get the hang of working the line. I know I must be doing good when they forget about me every once in a while. I have worked my best to learn the ropes quickly and today they did have some hours to give that I was very tempted to take. I am glad that I didn't.
I came home and Peanut, our little English Budgie, was struggling to breathe and walking as if he were limp on one side. I remembered a vet that I passed on the way into work and wondered if they took care of birds. I knew whatever was going on was pretty serious. The odd thing is, he was fine yesterday. He was running around and playing like normal. He didn't eat or get into anything out of the ordinary. If he had, undoubtedly, the other parakeets who follow him around would have gotten sick, too. I called the vet that I passed on the way to work, and they agreed that they could see him right away. Eight in the morning used to be early for me. Now, I have already been up for five hours or so. Tim and I brought him in and the vet took one look and I could tell from her expression it wasn't good. She said she thought he had a brain tumor as he was very slow on his responses, seemed blind, and was showing behavior concurrent with nerve damage. He hadn't pooped yet that morning, either. While I was holding him, there were a couple of times that I thought he was going to stop breathing. The doc told me what I was afraid of when I brought him in. She said the most humane thing to do would be to put him to sleep.
I may have a lot of birds and I might just be crazy, but I love these little guys so much. I can tell you their stories, their goofy behaviors, and things that you just can't help but laugh about. I might have "eleven more", but the one I lost is mourned like the member of the family that he is. I keep thinking that I need to go and find him and see what he is up to or if he is behaving. A tear rolls down my cheek as I realize that isn't going to happen any more.
Peanut was a beautiful bird with a lot of life. He loved to be ornery and jump on other birds' tails just to be silly. He was the first budgie that the cockatiels ever saw and so he took great pleasure out of chasing them around and listening to them hiss. He was gentle and after he got to know the cockatiels, he would preen them and cuddle with them. He did that for Buster yesterday while Buster was in the hospital cage. He even sang Buster to sleep at one point. Peanut loved to be chased and would always put up a good chase if you wanted to put him somewhere or if you just wanted to play. He would routinely sing himself to sleep at night using all the sounds that the flock made in his song, including conure screams, quaker warblings, and cockatiel's whistles and their version of the "Big Rock Candy Mountain". Since we got two more budgies, he actually began to sound more like a budgie again. It was a shame that his life was taken from him before his first birthday, but we gave him all the life that we could. He was loved from the beginning and cherished. I will miss him greatly. He will always have a special place in my heart.
I came home and Peanut, our little English Budgie, was struggling to breathe and walking as if he were limp on one side. I remembered a vet that I passed on the way into work and wondered if they took care of birds. I knew whatever was going on was pretty serious. The odd thing is, he was fine yesterday. He was running around and playing like normal. He didn't eat or get into anything out of the ordinary. If he had, undoubtedly, the other parakeets who follow him around would have gotten sick, too. I called the vet that I passed on the way to work, and they agreed that they could see him right away. Eight in the morning used to be early for me. Now, I have already been up for five hours or so. Tim and I brought him in and the vet took one look and I could tell from her expression it wasn't good. She said she thought he had a brain tumor as he was very slow on his responses, seemed blind, and was showing behavior concurrent with nerve damage. He hadn't pooped yet that morning, either. While I was holding him, there were a couple of times that I thought he was going to stop breathing. The doc told me what I was afraid of when I brought him in. She said the most humane thing to do would be to put him to sleep.
I may have a lot of birds and I might just be crazy, but I love these little guys so much. I can tell you their stories, their goofy behaviors, and things that you just can't help but laugh about. I might have "eleven more", but the one I lost is mourned like the member of the family that he is. I keep thinking that I need to go and find him and see what he is up to or if he is behaving. A tear rolls down my cheek as I realize that isn't going to happen any more.
Peanut was a beautiful bird with a lot of life. He loved to be ornery and jump on other birds' tails just to be silly. He was the first budgie that the cockatiels ever saw and so he took great pleasure out of chasing them around and listening to them hiss. He was gentle and after he got to know the cockatiels, he would preen them and cuddle with them. He did that for Buster yesterday while Buster was in the hospital cage. He even sang Buster to sleep at one point. Peanut loved to be chased and would always put up a good chase if you wanted to put him somewhere or if you just wanted to play. He would routinely sing himself to sleep at night using all the sounds that the flock made in his song, including conure screams, quaker warblings, and cockatiel's whistles and their version of the "Big Rock Candy Mountain". Since we got two more budgies, he actually began to sound more like a budgie again. It was a shame that his life was taken from him before his first birthday, but we gave him all the life that we could. He was loved from the beginning and cherished. I will miss him greatly. He will always have a special place in my heart.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
First Day at Target
Well, technically second if you count the orientation. After finding out my hours start at four in the morning, well, I don't know if I want to count being cushy in the training room from nine until one. This is where most people would be drinking an espresso (I *hate* coffee- it's a Diet Dr. Pepper for me) and grumbling about the morning. That will probably be me in a week. Right now I have the nervousness of starting a new job and worrying that I am not going to be good enough keeping me awake. In a week I am sure that I will be hitting the snooze and contemplating rolling over for that extra five minutes.
So far so good with little Buster. We have been rotating some of the members of the flock (that are his size and that we know get along with him) to put in the hospital cage with him. Angel seems to be his constant companion right now. He was like that when he was a baby, helping clean off the baby food on his siblings faces when I would feed them. He may not be the smartest, but sometimes I think he has the most heart. It was a laugh riot when I stuck the budgies in there. They would run around and play and goof and Buster would tolerate it for a while but then would get upset and threaten them away. We can't keep Miracle in there because then Buster just courts her. Here he has a major injury and he's courting his mate. That's love for you right there.
Still plan on having a to do list when I come home. I won't make it now because I want to see how I feel in five hours or so. I might be wide awake and I might want to sleep for the rest of the day. Time will only tell! This is how God has chosen to provide for my daily bread for a while, and I will take the opportunity to its fullest. God will provide and has provided a job for me that will help support me and I thank Him for it. God is a God of promises and He has promised my daily bread. Today, I know He will provide because He has said so.
So far so good with little Buster. We have been rotating some of the members of the flock (that are his size and that we know get along with him) to put in the hospital cage with him. Angel seems to be his constant companion right now. He was like that when he was a baby, helping clean off the baby food on his siblings faces when I would feed them. He may not be the smartest, but sometimes I think he has the most heart. It was a laugh riot when I stuck the budgies in there. They would run around and play and goof and Buster would tolerate it for a while but then would get upset and threaten them away. We can't keep Miracle in there because then Buster just courts her. Here he has a major injury and he's courting his mate. That's love for you right there.
Still plan on having a to do list when I come home. I won't make it now because I want to see how I feel in five hours or so. I might be wide awake and I might want to sleep for the rest of the day. Time will only tell! This is how God has chosen to provide for my daily bread for a while, and I will take the opportunity to its fullest. God will provide and has provided a job for me that will help support me and I thank Him for it. God is a God of promises and He has promised my daily bread. Today, I know He will provide because He has said so.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
New To Do List... The Same To Do List
Well, yesterday turned out to be much more stressful than I figured on it being. After getting home and getting myself something to eat after work, Buster got bit on the foot pretty badly. I am still not completely sure what happened. It didn't really seem to bother him, though it scared the crud out of me. His toe was hanging by skin only and I am pretty sure he's going to lose the end of it. I held it together and kept the bleeding at bay until Tim came home, and then we bandaged it up. Hopefully, that helps with infection as well as keeping that wound clotted. The funny part about it all was that I was ready to do my to do list even with his injury because working on stuff like that helps keep my anxiety at bay. While I was waiting for Tim, I put Buster in an empty kleenex box with a paper towel so I could monitor his bleeding and catch to see if it was seepage or if it was worse than that. I wanted to keep him still, so the box was perfect because it was just his size. Well, he wouldn't let me leave, and it wasn't because he was so enamored with his mom and needing the reassurance that he was going to be ok. He wanted to go back and play with the rest of the flock and if I left, he tried to go find them. Considering I don't even know what happened or who attacked him for that matter, combined with the fact that he has a very serious injury, I didn't think that was such a good idea. So, I sat around staring at my computer screen with a bird pouting in a box for several hours waiting for Tim to go home so I could have the extra hands I needed to wrap up his foot.
SO- That means the checklist remained undone last night. I think that's perfectly understandable, don't you? So, I think I have a pre-made checklist for today, which is good. I have to be at work at four am tomorrow, so I want to try to get to sleep at about seven pm. I'll need to be nice and tired for this to work! So, here's to my exhausting, full, and to-do list filled day!
SO- That means the checklist remained undone last night. I think that's perfectly understandable, don't you? So, I think I have a pre-made checklist for today, which is good. I have to be at work at four am tomorrow, so I want to try to get to sleep at about seven pm. I'll need to be nice and tired for this to work! So, here's to my exhausting, full, and to-do list filled day!
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